by Katie Pace

Have you ever noticed kids socializing at a playground? They just walk right up to each other and bluntly blurt out, “Hi! Do you want to play with me?” Sure, they may be drawn to certain children more than others – it’s not like anyone just fits the bill immediately; but overall, friends are easy. You meet, and boom! You’re friends.

Wouldn’t it be incredible if this worked the same way for adults? Or better yet – as moms?

But instead, on the very same playground, those kids’ mothers are not trying to make new friends. They’re keeping to themselves, tapping through insta stories, pushing swings, and bellowing the occasional “Be CAREful!” while they snack on Goldfish crackers. Because meeting mom friends is hard. There isn’t an app to swipe right (fine, there actually is) and there’s no chance to send over a drink from across the room.

But! If, by chance, you end up chatting with the messy-bunned beauty next to you while dumping sand out of shoes, know that if you want to keep (play) dating this chick, there are some unspoken rules to abide by in order to make it Mom Friend official.

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1. Don’t discipline other people’s kids. (While they’re there.)

Listen. Kids are awful. Yours. Mine. Everybody’s. Kid conflict is inevitable. Whether it’s hitting and biting when they’re tiny, or bossing and lying when they’re big, someone is always pissed and someone is always tattling.

So, there’s no reason that you need to overstep into another parent’s punishment territory. Because chances are, they’ll handle it. And if they don’t, then you probably don’t want them as a Mom Friend anyway. If you need to help the kids work out an issue together – go for it. But don’t cross mom lines. It makes her feel guilty and defensive and makes you look like you think you have all the answers. Which you don’t. Because your kid will be awful tomorrow. Promise.

2. Don’t steal babysitters.

Hey, you know what’s super amazing/wonderful/necessary/important? Not being with your kids. For work or play or dates or just the fucking dentist. We need time without them in order to survive the time we spend with them. And you know what we need to have that? Babysitters.

Now there are lots of ways to get sitters these days. Apps and sites are hugely helpful. But sometimes we end up with referrals from friends instead – which is totally fine IF, OF COURSE, you keep to the Mother Code of Ethics and don’t take them for yourself. Yes, I realize these are human beings we are speaking of, but good ones are as valuable as gold these days. Precious gems.

So, if a mom does the work of finding a caregiver, using them, paying them, developing a relationship with them and then kindly gives you their info so that you too can have this thing called freedom, then you owe her the decency to ask if she’s using said sitter on the needed date before you call them. EVERY. TIME. If not, don’t expect her to share her jewels with you in the future. You’re a sitter stealer now. And if you’re one of those moms who sees good nannies on the playground and offers to pay them more to be yours instead? Then your kids will have a wonderful nanny and you will have a terrible forever in hell. Moms are happy to share the wealth, but only if you’re going to accept it honestly.

3. Stick to the sick rules.

Uh oh. Little Ava is barfing. That’s sad. For Ava and for you. All moms know how awful it is. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY WE DON’T WANT IT.

So, for Pete’s sake, (or Aidan’s or Liam’s), keep your kid home! Not just while they are barfing, but for at least 24 hours after they are DONE barfing. Because just when you think it’s gone, that shit comes back. So, let’s be super sure, k? Same goes for fevers.

We know you can’t keep your kid home for every sniffle and cough, and we know how hard it is to arrange childcare (see rule #2) but spare the rest of us the sick days we can’t take and flu we can’t fathom right now. TWENTY-FOUR HOURS SANS SICK or the moms are going to oust you out of Cool Mom Club.

4. Watch your mouth.

Some of us curse like sailors. But I promise you that if your kid is around, I will try my damndest not to let any four-letter words slip around them. Just because my child has dropped an occasional F bomb doesn’t mean yours should too.

But there is a lot more to keep our traps shut about than just cussing. There are so many things that so many parents want their kids protected from. And while we can’t predict everything each mom cares about, there are certain subject matters to just avoid when speaking around each other’s children. This may include but is not limited to: body negativity (anyone else’s or your own), sex, guns, gossip or damaging comments about anyone’s children – yours included. Kids listen to everything. EVERY. LITTLE. THING. We all know this based on their desire to make us feel shitty by repeating all of our worst utterances.

So, speak how you wish around your own kids, but around other people’s? Let’s keep it kosher.

5. Don’t make me the bad guy.

To my kids, I am the worst about 65% of the time. I say “no” way more than I’d like to. I desperately want to be a yes mom, but they just aren’t setting me up for success. I’m already losing the cool mom battle here and the last thing any parent needs is another one coming in and making them look worse.

So, if you want to be friends, you have to help a mama out. Don’t ask if her kids can have some sugary spiked hell treat in front of her, forcing her to either deal with the corn-syrup come down or the wrath of her offspring. And don’t let your kids do the risky/dangerous/late-night/totally impractical activity right in front of hers when you know she’s probably not into it. It makes us mean moms feel like shit and we already feel like shit way too often.

Cause if you amplify the feeling, mean moms probably aren’t going to want to hang out anymore with “nice” moms like you.

6. Just be cool.

Yes. This is generic. What does this even mean, really? It means be open. Be considerate. Be vulnerable. It means quit being a judgmental jerk. If you don’t parent the same way someone else does, that’s fine. We each have our styles and are usually more drawn to like-minded moms anyway. But we’re all doing the best we can, here. So, try not to give advice or pass judgement or even THINK you could do it better when you haven’t even been there yet. Because Mom Karma is a bitch. Just when you think you’re totally nailing it, it comes back to bite you in the mom jean ass. Don’t like the way that other mother is doing things on the regular? Then it’s probably best to just call it quits. It’s not her – it’s you.

But if you want an authentic, meaningful, equally educational and mutually beneficial friendship with women who are on same road that you are – just be yourself. Be the real mom who can admit she has no idea what the fuck she’s doing and needs all the help she can get. Then even if you break ALL the rules above, us other moms whom have no idea what we’re doing are happy to let it slide. We’ve all been there.

Welcome to the club.

The Six Unspoken Rules You Need To Follow If You Ever Want Mom Friends