How To Have A Money Conversation With Your Partner Without It Turning Into A Massive Fight
by Megan Blanchard
When’s the last time you had a fight with your spouse? Was it the time he left his wet bathing suit at the bottom of the hamper for a week? The time she forgot to mention her 3-day work trip until the day before? The seventy-sixth time he said, “ask mom,” when mini-him wanted Doritos for dinner?
You think these fights are about the fact that you didn’t use your therapist-approved “I sentences”? Hahhahaha, how bourgeois. They are actually about not being able to afford a 24/7 housekeeper. Money planning, and not having enough of it, can get in the way of closeness. Here’s some options for how to think about shared finances, and how to set up those conversations for success:
The Living-For-Tomorrow-But-Enjoying-Today Approach:
My husband and I chose a traditional path. While we were transitioning from hipsters to suburbanites, almost all of our fights were about money or something money adjacent, from buying organic or not, to who is more exhausted from working full time, parenting, and trying to run the household. Over the years, we’ve settled on a system that works for us, and we fight a lot less about money. I can’t say we’re perfect, but here’s what works for us.
Agree on a budget. We chose a time when we were both level-headed and free of distraction to discuss our goals, audit our spending, and create a budget. We check in on this budget every six months or whenever there is a life changing event, like a promotion, or hubby going back to school.
Pick the number cruncher and the negotiator. We decided since I handle budgets in my work life, I should handle our household budget and manage all expenses. My husband was in sales for years, so anytime we have to negotiate (buying a car, researching insurance rates), he drives.
Use joint and private accounts. This one is crucial for us. We pay all bills, rent, and childcare costs out of a joint account where our paychecks are deposited. We also share a savings account for emergency funds. We pay for our hobbies out of private checking accounts where we deposit allowances each pay period. Our allowance is the same, but the way we spend it is 100% our own business. While we are not entrepreneurs, we each have side hustles. I write, he sells sneakers. Our agreement is that we get to keep revenue from those hobbies as “allowance.”
The Living-Our-Best-Lives-Now Approach:
Virgina Fugman (Virg) is a yoga instructor. She and her spouse moved from Texas to Costa Rica after having their first son. “We didn’t want to wait for retirement to live the dream, says Virg, “our kids will grow up in Pura Vida.” Here’s Virg’s advice for how they make it work:
Sit down and make a budget. Sound familiar? Read on for how to make this conversation a success.
Audit Your Actuals. Virg recommends sitting down quarterly to compare your budget with how you actually spent your money. Budget to actuals meetings in corporate speak. “An inaccurate budget will never help you,” says Virg.
Save something fun. All work and no play makes your budget DOA. You will overspend if there isn’t some allocation for fun. It doesn’t have to be extravagant.
“A trip, a new sofa, a day date,” suggests Virg. Not only is this rewarding, it instills the habit of saving.
Ten Tips To Get Through The Excruciating First Step:
Sitting down together may seem like an obvious step, but for so many couples, it’s the hardest. Here are some tips for making that first discussion a success.
Do not casually start the discussion. Tempting as that may be, it will quickly morph into a fight. Resist.
Instead, block out time and mutually commit to making a budget.
Do it when you are in a relaxed mood and kids are away.
Hold the wine until you’ve finished. You need to be able to calmly talk through disagreements.
Money conversations can bring up all sorts of baggage, so be prepared to confront some uncomfortable topics in a compassionate, level-headed way.
Be honest about your dreams and aspirations – this is NOT the moment to be a people pleaser.
Also be realistic about what’s possible in the short term.
Never belittle your spouse’s dreams and aspirations.
Dig into why s/he wants certain things, and you may learn something you didn’t know before.
Remember, you’re not investing in any of this today. This is just a conversation to get on the same page.
Ideally, these talks, though difficult, set you up for financial success and bring you closer.
Megan Blanchard lives in Texas, prefers California, and believes horses are people, too. You can find more of her articles here.
