Have You Heard of The Fair Play Method?
by Carolyn Firestone
There’s something about the term “work-life balance” that sort of sneakily stresses me out. I know it’s well-intended. But when there’s a lot on my plate, the added task of seeking “balance” can feel like just another goal of which I’m falling short.
We’ve written quite a bit about tools for making space for all the eclectic aspects of ourselves that matter. Yet, oftentimes our personal and professional lives are simply out of sync. The balance of responsibility is just off, and a solution seems elusive, if not exhausting.
When burnout occurs, even responsibilities as small as being the only one to pick up loose socks around the house can drive us up the wall.
In a highly organized effort to create a system that actually works to get things back in order (and give us back our sanity), best-selling author and self-described “‘she-fault’ parent responsible for all aspects of her busy household,” Eve Rodsky created The Fair Play Method.
The idea of Fair Play is pretty straightforward. It’s a “time-and anxiety-saving system” that helps couples fairly distribute daily tasks without any drama. The idea is to take all the “invisible work” people (often women) do out of the shadows and share it more efficiently.
Fair Play’s aim is to offer a solution to the out-of-wack reality that women still take on about “2/3 or more of the unpaid domestic work and childcare for their homes and families.”
All about Eve: What makes her approach worthwhile?
When looking at her own overwhelming domestic situation, Rodsky started with what she referred to as a “Sh*t I Do spreadsheet.” Can you imagine any parent (or person for that matter) not feeling a hit of sweet satisfaction at the thought of creating such a spreadsheet?
Yet, Rodsky didn’t just draw from her own experience to create a solution… even though her “experience” notably includes graduating from Harvard Law, founding the Philanthropy Advisory Group, and raising three children. She interviewed hundreds of couples and pulled from her work in family mediation to create a practice that people can easily apply to their home lives.
So, how does it work?
There are three R’s involved in the Fair Play Method that basically define the goals of the system.
Rebalance your to-do lists.
Reclaim your time.
Rediscover what makes you interesting.
To make these goals attainable, Rodsky swapped out the spreadsheet for a deck of 100 cards that are based on a family’s needs. Couples use these cards to determine who handles which responsibilities in their household
The categories of cards include:
Home: Things like buying groceries and tidying up.
Out: Things like handling extracurricular sports and packing up backpacks.
Caregiving: Things like bathing the kids or putting them to bed.
Magic: Things like arranging birthday celebrations and planning nights out with friends.
Wild: Things like organizing moves and overseeing home renovations.
Unicorn space: Just one card that’s all about you (more on that later).
The cards can get pretty specific, and that’s intentional. As Rodsky says, “Sometimes the smallest details in the home can create the biggest problems.”
The Rules
Couples getting started with Fair Play must follow four rules.
All Time is Created Equal: No one person’s hour is more important than the other’s. Every task / card is carefully selected by the couple and matters in its own way.
Reclaim Your Right to Be Interesting: This is based on the principle that each person deserves time for themselves. Their value should not be limited to their responsibilities.
Start Where You Are Now: Couples are asked to be honest about where they’re at and what makes sense in terms of the expectations they put on themselves and their partner.
Establish Your Values And Standards: Rodsky encourages couples to start off by communicating why certain tasks matter to them and agreeing upon standards for what a task entails.
The Steps
Once a couple is on board with the rules, they can start to use the deck to organize their workload.
STEP 1: Build your deck together.
This is the part where a couple goes through the deck and decides what cards they’re going to dish out. The cards titled “Daily Grind” capture everyday tasks like doing the dishes and picking up the mail.
Couples are advised not to use all the cards in the deck. Remember, the Fair Play approach is all about prioritizing what matters and makes sense to a specific family. Cooking and laundry may be pretty universal, hot ticket items, but things like writing thank you notes may not make the cut.
STEP 2: Deal the cards.
Okay, so this is not a game of chance. Dealing the cards is an involved decision-making process where couples determine who owns which responsibility based on “individual preference, availability, and capability.”
The keyword here is “owns.” When one person takes a card, they will be in charge of the “conception, planning, and execution” of that task.
To keep things clean, Rodsky advises against sharing cards, so no “I’ll load the dishwasher and you empty it” talk. Also, cards can always be exchanged down the line.
Because only one person takes care of a card at a time, this step will more than likely involve discussing what it means to handle something from start to finish as well as what Rodsky calls a “minimum standard of care.” This is basically an agreed-upon idea of what constitutes a mutually satisfactory completion of a task. For example, how often should we mow the lawn, wash the sheets, etc.?
Naturally, certain responsibilities won’t be at the top of anyone’s list, but spreading them out in ways that make sense to both partners makes doing them go more smoothly and paves the way for less resentment in the process.
STEP 3: Claim your unicorn space.
In case the notion of never having to fold another fitted bedsheet again isn’t fantasy enough, the deck also features something called “unicorn cards.” These are cards that award each person time and space to themselves to do something that uniquely matters to them.
After the “Daily Grind” cards have gone around, each person gets a single unicorn card, which represents an hour for the “active pursuit of what makes you you,” according to Rodksy. No work or family stuff allowed.
STEP 4: Make it last.
In order to make the Fair Play Method sustainable, Rodsky suggests following three additional guidelines.
Don’t give feedback in the moment: We all know nagging, correcting, and reminding can lead to tension, especially in the heat of the moment. Rodsky suggests saving feedback for a time and place specifically designated for an honest discussion between both parties.
Daily or weekly check in: Pick a time to have such discussions, mainly for the purpose of sharing what’s working and what isn’t with the hand you’ve been dealt.
Start with your why: Rather than telling each other what to do, Rodsky advises couples to express why something matters to them. This creates a more empathetic and open line of communication as opposed to anyone feeling bossed around.
To further steer clear of conflict, couples carrying out any of the steps of Fair Play are warned not to “keep score.” Playing fair isn’t about calculating a tit for tat, but focusing on how everyone equally benefits. As Rodsky put it, “This is not a focus on 50/50. It’s a focus on ownership.”
Finally, for Fair Play to work, couples have to “collaborate and communicate.” Things are going to evolve and change. I mean how long can one person go being the only one to scrub the toilet or force their squirmy toddler into the tub each night?
Conversations need to keep happening, and when they do, collaborative communication is key. That means using the individual cards to collectively work toward a common goal (Remember? Those three R’s we talked about earlier).
Fair Play is also ultimately about creating more harmony in a relationship. Imagine what can fill up the space left by a couple no longer arguing the details of who does what on a daily basis.
The joy of sharing a workload cannot be understated. Ideally, it challenges the isolation and burnout too many women experience. And at the very least, it gives them that much-needed break from being the only one in the house to clean up random socks.
Carolyn firestone
Carolyn is a freelance writer and editor. Her favorite thing to do is to write about her favorite things, especially when they have even the slightest chance of making someone else’s something (mood, relationship, travel plans, or toiletry kit) a little better. You can find more of her articles here.
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