Here Are 5 Ways To Create Firm Boundaries With A Soft Touch
by The Candidly Team
One of the most-discussed tenets of achieving optimal mental health is setting boundaries. But…how do we, in practice, DO that?
To find out, we’re going straight to the experts. Like Melissa Urban, The Boundary Queen, who is unabashed about her need to set clear, firm boundaries. And like Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a celebrated clinical psychologist.
And for our latest installment in our loosely-named series, “how the hell do I set boundaries with the people I love without feeling like an absolute monster,” we’re speaking with Hanna Stensby, a couples’ therapist, whose perspective on boundaries is informed by her Gottman Institute training in relationships and marriage.
1. How do we bring these theoretical ideas about boundaries into real world practice in a way that makes sense for our individual, unique lives and relationships?
Setting boundaries is all about living in alignment with what you feel comfortable with and what works for you, so it’s more about speaking up when you feel uncomfortable, and being able to say “yes” to things that you think through clearly. Which means, before committing to work, social, or family responsibilities, being able to accurately assess your capacity, and your priority for the commitment and how it fits into your larger values.
So boundaries start with looking at the areas in your life that you realize don’t bring you joy or don’t make you feel fulfilled, becoming clear on your values and your priorities, and then living in a way that matches that.
Many people think that setting a boundary can be seen as too harsh or isolating. But when used correctly, boundaries actually enhance the quality of relationships. Boundary setting will inherently be unique for everyone. And the way we translate them into the real world is to recognize that they might look different for us.
2. How do we set healthy boundaries in our relationships without hurting the people we love the most?
When we set boundaries with respectful language, while talking about our needs and our feelings, it is going to create the most positive outcome.
We can communicate boundaries with a sense of love, compassion, and understanding without blaming. Communicating boundaries without any criticism or contempt is key. Sharing what our needs are in the spirit of connecting on a deeper level creates the ability to be authentic in our relationships.
And oftentimes, people get caught up in therapy lingo or disjointed psychobabble. Using these therapy, psychobabble terms is disadvantageous for connection in our relationships.
If we are uncomfortable with something a family member says, we can use an “I- statement” and say, “what you said made me feel really uncomfortable and hurt and what I need is _____ ( fill in the blank).” By being able to state our needs and our primary emotions, we are able to engage in honest, deep, intimate and vulnerable conversations with loved ones.
Sometimes, it’s unavoidable that setting a boundary may hurt other people's feelings, but if we don’t honor ourselves and our needs, then we are not living authentically, which creates a toxic environment.
“if we don’t honor ourselves and our needs, then we are not living authentically, which creates a toxic environment. ”
3. How do we not feel like assholes when we’re firm and stern and just say “no” to our closest friends and family?
If setting boundaries is new for you, it can be challenging to find the wording in the moment to respond. But I would argue that you don’t need to just say “no” bluntly. You can find ways of setting boundaries that are softer.
You might say, “thank you so much for asking. Please continue to ask me. Right now, I don’t have the bandwidth to do that, but I love that you asked.” That’s very different than blatantly just saying “no I can’t do that.” Another option is to say “let me check my calendar. I'm going to need some time to figure out if I’m available.” This technique will give you time to craft a response that is compassionate and authentic, but holds your boundaries.
4. Are there ways to take boundaries too far? If we put up too many boundaries, will we end up just pushing away everyone in our lives?
People misuse boundaries when they create cut off‘s or absolutes. They may say, “I’m setting a boundary and I will no longer talk to you,” or “I’m setting a boundary and I will not talk about this issue.”
Boundaries should be used for getting rid of toxic patterns, toxic people, or traumatic situations, rather than getting away from uncomfortable situations. Typically, people who are most invested in us not having boundaries are most reactive when we try to create healthy boundaries because they benefit from our lack of boundaries.
To avoid ruptures and lost relationships, you can explain to them why you’re setting these boundaries and over time they will come around. If they are truly invested in you as a person and have unconditional love and caring for you, they will remain in your life.
5. What are some practical, concrete ways to set boundaries that don’t feel threatening to our relationships?
Maintaining honesty and vulnerability with our loved ones while setting boundaries is rooted in the way we are communicating. If we’re talking about our own feelings and our own needs, then we are going to be honest and vulnerable and that’s going to set our partners up to able to hear us and feel less defensive.
Boundaries don’t have to threaten relationships. Boundaries actually allow relationships to thrive because the more connected we are with our own needs and the more that we honor those, the less resentment we’re going to have towards other people. When we don’t honor our needs because we are making sacrifices for others, it breeds resentment. When we set healthy boundaries to honor our needs, we can show up in our relationships as our best selves.
So you can frame your boundaries as, “I want to show up as my best self for you in this relationship and here’s what I need to be able to feel like my best self.” You can explain that, “I’m doing this to invest in the relationship so that I can show up for you and here’s what my boundaries around that are.”
You can also ask them to talk and think about what their boundaries are so that it is a two-way street and you are both working on setting those boundaries together. Sharing with loved ones about what a boundary is and why you are using it is helpful in maintaining relationships.
