12 Questions About NARM, Answered.
by The Candidly Team
Acquiring self-knowledge, gaining self-esteem, growing as humans— we can only really do this by integrating our past into our present; by understanding the sources of our coping mechanisms, our relationship dynamics, our anxiety or depression or mental health struggles.
And the NeuroAffective Relational Model, otherwise known as Narm, is one of the most modern, trauma-informed healing modalities on the planet.
So we spoke with Iris McAlpin, a certified NARM practitioner, to ask her 12 questions about how NARM can help us heal from our childhood traumas, to be more integrated, healthier parents, partners, people.
1. What is NARM? Can you explain it to a newbie in a really simple way?
NARM stands for the NeuroAffective Relational Model, and it was developed by psychologist Dr. Laurence Heller as a way to treat developmental, attachment, and relational trauma as well as Complex PTSD.
The idea is that when we experience early trauma, it causes a disruption in our development, but those natural instincts we have to connect, trust, and love are always there waiting to come back online. NARM assists us in coming back to our true nature by exploring the ways that we had to adapt to survive difficult circumstances as children. This awareness helps connect us to our sense of agency, which is our ability to choose how we want to respond to life and its challenges.
To paraphrase the way NARM head trainer Brad Kammer defines it on my podcast, NARM provides a framework for understanding how trauma impacts our development as children, and offers a clinical approach for helping adults restore their ability to function in the world in a way that’s consistent with their intentions and desires, and create a more cohesive and organized sense of self.
2. Why focus so much on childhood trauma? How is NARM’s approach to trauma differentiated than more traditional approaches?
As Dr. Heller says, “When there is early trauma, the ensuing biological dysregulation forms the shaky foundation upon which the psychological self is built.” When there is significant trauma, it can mean the difference between building on concrete and building on quicksand. The result is that we experience distortions in our sense of self, which can include feelings like “there’s something wrong with me” or “I’m not good enough.”
As the ACES study has shown us, high levels of childhood adversity can increase our likelihood of developing eating disorders, addiction, depression, suicidal behavior and ideology, etc. This happens in part because, according to Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, “when we experience high doses of adversity in childhood, it can change the way our stress response system develops — making it overactive and more difficult to turn off.”
NARM treats childhood trauma by addressing both the biological dysregulation that occurs as a result of an overactive stress response system, and the distortions in our sense of self that develop in response to trauma.
3. How is trauma really defined? Most people think trauma is clear physical abuse or neglect. Is it more than that?
My favorite definition is from Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, which says that “trauma is something that overwhelms your coping capacities.”
This covers a much broader range of experiences than what people typically think of when they hear the term “trauma.” As children, it’s really easy to overwhelm our coping capacities, because we haven’t developed them yet! Especially before we have language, we literally have no idea what’s going on, and it does not take much to feel overwhelmed.
While it’s easy to discount those experiences as we get older as “just part of life,” they can absolutely have an impact on our development. This is not to suggest that everyone is walking around traumatized all the time. We have an incredible capacity for resilience, but I do believe that understanding how the nervous system is affected by early challenges can help release some of the shame and stigma we carry about the mental and emotional struggles we face as humans.
4. What role does our own childhood trauma play in our present-day marriages?
I think David Richo says it best in his book, When the Past Is Present. “Most of the time, we are looking at each other through the lenses of our own history. There are two ways in which this can happen: 1. we might project onto each other our own beliefs, judgements, fears, desires, or expectations; 2. we might transfer onto each other the…expectations that actually belong to someone else...the more a new situation resembles the past, the more bodily stress we feel and the harder it is for us to release it.”
We can tell our childhood trauma is playing out real-time when we notice “stronger feelings than seem to fit the circumstances, instant reactions, holding on to a relationship when it’s not working, unexplainable attraction or repulsion, confusion about why’s and wherefore’s, personalizing others’ actions, and a similarity in the characteristics of all of our partners.”
5. What do we do about a partner who lashes out because of unresolved childhood trauma?
In previous relationships, I learned the hard way that trying to convince someone to change or do the work to heal is often ineffective. My personal recommendation is to get support for yourself to work through your own unresolved childhood trauma, and set boundaries as needed.
As we start doing our own healing work, the people around us will either be inspired to join us or they’ll feel threatened because it seems too scary to work on their own material. Both outcomes are good information.
In some cases (certainly not all), the most loving thing you can do for yourself and the other person is to walk away. I’ve been on both sides of that, and while both leaving and being left are painful in different ways, it can also be a much needed wakeup call. Painful breakups have been strong medicine for me.
6. Why does confronting our traumas make us more adaptive and whole adults?
This is a bold statement, but as we work to heal childhood trauma, we become increasingly emotionally invincible.
Once we’ve faced significant emotional pain and realized that it didn’t actually kill us (as much as it can feel like it will), there’s confidence that comes with that. Life inevitably throws things at us, so if we’ve learned how to deal with difficult emotions, there’s a deep trust that we can handle it.
I’m not convinced we’re ever completely “done” healing, so I don’t think anyone is fully emotionally invincible, but over time, we inch closer to that.
7. How can unresolved trauma play out in our health and bodies?
Trauma, when left untreated, can have a significant impact on our health.
Symptoms may include chronic fatigue, impaired immunity, thyroid dysfunction, headaches, asthma, digestive issues including IBS, exaggerated or diminished sex drive, forgetfulness, sleep problems, anxiety, depression and other mental health concerns.
8. What can we do to ensure that we don’t traumatize our own children the way we were traumatized, especially since that’s the template we know?
I know people don’t like to hear this, but even the most well intentioned parents in the world will likely do or say something (or not do or say something) that leaves a traumatic wound. That does not make you a bad parent, it makes you human. The best thing you can do for your kids is to do your own work. See a therapist, coach or other trained mental health professional. Get support. Do what you can to foster your own happiness.
Children learn from watching adults, so if you can model how to take care of yourself, they will internalize that. I also highly recommend the books Trauma Proofing Your Kids by Peter Levine and Maggie Kline, and Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller and Aline LaPierre.
I send those to just about everyone I know when I find out they’re expecting, and I’ve even sprinkled them into those little free library boxes around where I live. They’re brilliant and incredibly helpful for parents to understand both themselves and their children better. They also can help identify signs of trauma so that parents can respond more quickly to support their children.
“the best thing you can do for your kids is do your own work.”
9. If NARM helps us to delve into our past traumas, which often were done to us by our parents, how the hell do we find ways to feel closer to our parents as adults?
This is such a good question. The short answer is that it can take some time, and it might get worse before it gets better. I liken it to the process of re-organizing your house. In order to do that, you have to take everything out of the drawers and cabinets, and at first it looks like a bigger mess than it did when you started.
As you continue, you start to find a place for everything, and little by little it starts to take shape. By the end, it looks better than ever. In my experience, this process can happen several times over the course of years. It is a bit of a leap of faith, especially during the times when things seem worse than they did when you started, but I have always found that it’s worth it.
But even if our parents never change, NARM helps us develop more compassion for them and especially for ourselves over time.
10. When we do this work, why do our families feel so threatened? And how might their behaviors change toward us?
To put it simply, they feel threatened because it’s threatening. As Brad teaches us in training, when we start to heal our trauma and reconnect with ourselves, we’re usually met with the intense emotions that caused us to disconnect with ourselves in the first place.
These are emotions like rage and grief, and they can be really overwhelming and scary at first. Our healing can also feel quite threatening to our primary attachment relationships (i.e. our relationships with our parents), even if our parents are long gone. If we adapted in certain ways to avoid judgement or rejection from the people responsible for our survival growing up (parents/caregivers), changing might feel like a threat to those connections.
People will go to great lengths to protect those connections, because the stakes can feel like life or death. This is because it actually is when we’re young. So, if our healing process starts to expose chinks in other people’s armor, it makes sense for that to be triggering if someone isn’t prepared to deal with that.
11. Why is “noticing” so important?
Many of us have trauma around being mis-attuned to by our parents or caregivers. We had needs that weren’t met, emotions and desires that went unseen, and parts of ourselves that were ignored or missed (or worse). This is profoundly painful as a child.
By noticing what’s present for us from a place of non-judgement, we are attuning to ourselves and witnessing ourselves. While this can’t make up for the pain in our early life, it can be tremendously healing.
12. Can you explain the different attachment styles, what we can learn from them, and how we can apply them to our lives?
According to NARM, “there are five developmental life themes and associated core resources that are essential to our capacity for self-regulation and affect our ability to be present to self and others in the here-and-now.
Connection: We feel that we belong in the world. We are in touch with our body and our emotions and capable of consistent connection with others.
Attunement: Our ability to know what we need and to recognize, reach out for, and take in the abundance that life offers.
Trust: We have an inherent trust in ourselves and others. We feel safe enough to allow a healthy interdependence with others.
Autonomy: We are able to say no and set limits with others. We speak our mind without guilt or fear.
Love-Sexuality: Our heart is open and we are able to integrate a loving relationship with a vital sexuality.
To the degree that these five basic needs are met, we experience regulation and connection. We feel safe and trusting of our environment, fluid and connected to ourselves and others. We experience a sense of regulation and expansion. To the degree that these basic needs are not met, we develop survival styles to try to manage the disconnection and dysregulation.”
In my program, Bloom we go through the survival styles over the course of 7 weeks to address the role they play in self-sabotage, and establish practices for self-exploration, self-regulation and healing.
