Do You Have Alarming, Intrusive Thoughts? Us Too. Here’s How To Tackle Them.
by Marissa Pomerance
You’re having a perfectly pleasant evening.
You had a decent day of work. You and your spouse are now enjoying a Greek-inspired rice bowl recipe you found on Pinterest. You’re both watching Bachelor In Paradise, pretending to hate it.
You find your way to bed around 10:30pm and congratulate yourself for being “good.”
But then. The thoughts. The thoughts. Here they come.
Here.
They.
Come.
What if that pain in your torso is cancer? That pain in your torso is definitely cancer. It’s been THREE DAYS of this pain and no bruise lasts for three days plus there is no bruise so it’s internal and it’s maybe a rib tear but not with my luck with my luck it’s 100% cancer. Cancer of the rib.
Did you really need SECONDS of the braised short ribs at your boss’s dinner party which are already such a heavy dish AND in front of 9 other people like some kind of gluttonous hog?
When my (extremely healthy and not even old) mother dies in some eventual future will I ever be able to function in society again?
If those people come to the front door again when I’m alone in the house I wonder if I can fashion some panic room just in case they’re burglars posing as high school kids, like maybe a little trap door I can fashion under the bed?
You know. All the normal stuff!
And we of course instantly recognize these as negative, anxious, demeaning, destructive thoughts. No surprise there.
But they’re not just that. They’re intrusive.
They abruptly move into our heads without an invite, and are very persistent, inconsiderate, destructive guests that overstay their welcome.
Why does our brain do this to us? Why does it suddenly flood our thoughts with bad, often untrue ideas? And how do we stop it?
Well, we spoke to our favorite relatable therapist Amanda White, and she gave us some answers. Along with 4 ways to combat them.
Intrusive thoughts aren’t just negative thoughts.
Most of us are sadly, intimately familiar with anxiety or bouts of low self-esteem, but intrusive thoughts are about both timing and content. Specifically, “an intrusive thought can pop up even if you are in a good mood, which is why they are frustrating and confusing,” says White.
And according to White, the biggest difference between your run-of-the-mill anxiety and intrusive thoughts is that, while anxiety can be “a broad and a general feeling of nervousness and unease about everything,” intrusive thoughts are more specific. So while anxious thoughts are a type of intrusive thought, intrusive thoughts come in all kinds of forms. Great!
One common form that many women will recognize is negative self-talk; everything from the quiet, background chatter that questions every decision we make all day long, to our brain shouting insults at us like, “You’re a worthless piece of shit for not working out today!”
Some intrusive thoughts can be violent, frightening, or depression-based, like “thinking about hurting yourself or someone else. This could be in the form of thinking of swerving your car into oncoming traffic, cutting yourself as you are cutting vegetables or punching someone in the face. It can be a thought or an image of yourself doing this,” White explains.
These thoughts can also be sexual in nature, says White, like “thinking about having sex with someone or doing a sexual act,” which can “lead people to feel shame and/or question their gender identity or sexual orientation.”
Whyyyyy do we have these?
Like most complex psychological phenomenon, there isn’t necessarily a singular, clear source of our troubles.
“Of course, these can be symptoms of anxiety, depression or OCD. Having thoughts of harming yourself is most connected to depression or anxiety having thoughts of harming another or your child is a common symptom of postpartum depression, anxiety and/or OCD,” says White, while some experts also point to childhood trauma and PTSD. And our tendency towards harsh intrusive thoughts might be due to negativity bias—the “propensity to give more weight in our minds to things that go wrong than to things that go right.”
In many ways, these are psychological manifestations of our deepest fears and low self-esteem and our most critical selves.
But White is as concerned about our reactions and management of intrusive thoughts as she is about their source. “Often, what causes so much suffering isn’t actually the intrusive thoughts, but people’s reaction, shame and fear to their intrusive thoughts,” she says.
In a way, having intrusive thoughts can be self-perpetuating. “People who tend to struggle with intrusive thoughts are those who believe those thoughts, judge themselves for their thoughts, and try to find ways to make them go away or alter their behavior in attempts to change them,” she says.
Intrusive thoughts lead to more intrusive thoughts as we judge and punish ourselves for having these thoughts, causing us to get caught up in negative thought cycles that are tricky to extricate our minds from.
How do we stop these cycles of intrusive thoughts?
Wouldn’t it be nice if parts of our brains came with a convenient “shut off” button? Alas, until some “biohacker” invents such a device, we have to learn to do this ourselves through “self-work” and therapy and things that are infinitely harder than flipping a switch.
Which includes becoming comfortable with discomfort. Because according to White, “it's impossible to get rid of all intrusive thoughts.”
In fact, she says, “the best advice I have for reducing intrusive thoughts is to try not to take them seriously. Intrusive thoughts are kind of like a Chinese finger trap, the more you try to escape them and eradicate them, the more you get trapped. If you can take them less seriously, and treat them for what they—simply passing thoughts, not reality--you will save yourself a lot of suffering.”
We know this is easier said than done. But sometimes, simply reminding ourselves (or even repeatedly telling ourselves, like a mantra) that “thoughts are not real” can be helpful in the moment.
Image from Instagram/ @anxiety.positive
An expert’s guide for navigating intrusive thoughts.
So if we can’t simply vanish our intrusive thoughts into oblivion with a wave of a magic wand, what else can we do?
Here are White’s recommendations:
Separate yourself from the thoughts: “Start to recognize that you have thoughts but you are not your thoughts. In the same way you have a hand, but you are not just your hand.”
Practice mindfulness: White suggests that the best way to separate yourself from your thoughts is to practice mindfulness. “Go for a walk outside without your phone and notice the sounds, smells, temperature, and sights. Do chores around your home and really pay attention to the sensations. For example, when washing dishes, feel the soap on your fingers, smell the soap, feel the temperature of the water on your hands, get really curious about what is going on in the present moment. Yoga can also be an excellent way to practice this. While this may seem cheesy, just spending a few minutes a day practicing mindfulness can help you reconnect and remember there is more to you than just what is going on in your mind.”
Change the language: “Notice the language you have around your thoughts. Instead of saying, ‘I feel like a piece of crap today,’ practice reminding yourself, ‘I am having the thought that I am feeling like a piece of crap today.’ Or, one step further, ‘I am noticing that I am having the thought that I am feeling like a piece of crap today.’
Work with a therapist targeted to your needs: “If you notice that your intrusive thoughts are escalating and causing you to alter your behavior (for example, you are afraid to drive because you fear you will hurt yourself, or start to avoid people, places or things because of the thoughts that are associated with them), it’s important to meet with a therapist. If you have concerns you have OCD, I highly recommend working with a therapist who is trained in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) who can help you work through this.”
Remember—thoughts are not real.
Marissa Pomerance is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. She’s a Los Angeles native and lover of all things food, style, beauty, and wellness. You can find more of her articles here.
