Do Mothers Have Abortions?
by Dessarae Louie
Warning: This article contains details about abortion.
He reluctantly placed the small bag, with the pregnancy test inside it, on the kitchen counter.
I thought back to the night, a month prior, the 26th of December, to be exact. It was a fun night on the sofa, one that ended with the full shebang. Our sex life was still in the post-baby come-back phase, so sex wasn’t frequent, and we relied on the pull out method.
I was so preoccupied with the baby we just had, I barely stopped to consider the possibility of another one. But lately, I had been feeling the symptoms. And I knew something was off.
“i looked down at my body. I realized I didn’t want to be pregnant.”
I grabbed the test, peed on the thing, and before I could even stand up, the test delivered a rapid plus sign. I was pregnant. I looked down at my body. I realized I didn't want to be pregnant. I wasn’t ready to go through it again. I fell to the floor and I cried. It felt wrong. A baby? I just had a baby. A sad image of me with a baby on my breast while attempting to quiet a screeching toddler popped in my head.
I felt like I had lost myself to become a mother, and was only just starting to get myself back. Our 18 month old daughter was sitting at the table. “Everything is going to be okay,” my husband said as he picked me up off the floor. I remember staring at the dinner I had just made.
The next 7 days moved like 7 years. The first few days and nights were filled with crippling indecision and deep sadness. I leaned on my husband a lot during those days, he was an unwavering source of support. The kind of support I’d been begging him for through my lonely postpartum. I knew we were in this together, and I never once felt alone.
We deliberately rounded up a counsel for feedback and support. Google, my sister, mother, brother, sister-in-law, my OBGYN, my intuitive healer, a close friend or two, and my acupuncturist. First, we had to figure out if we even wanted more children. We were even told to just “get it over with” by my OBGYN— such helpful advice. I’m sure plenty of couples with a newborn gladly, quickly jump into having baby #2 with no fears or qualms.
But that wasn’t me.
“i had to find and root out these judgements and stigmas from somewhere deep in myself.”
I considered the early option abortion pill the moment I took the test. I flooded with guilt. I’ve heard people call abortion murder and use it as a political prop. Even though 12 years of living in LA has helped me shed the Christian, pro-life propaganda fed to me since birth, I was still naive enough to think that I would personally never choose an abortion. And as much as I believe in a woman’s right to choose, I still had to find and root out these judgements and stigmas from somewhere deep in myself, from my past. I had to erase and replace all the guilt and shame around abortion in order to make the right choice for my one life. But I kept coming back to this; I was already a mother. I mean, do mothers even have abortions?
So like with all hugely important, plaguing, potentially life-altering questions, I googled it.
And here’s the stat that made me write the article you’re reading right now; of the women who had an abortion in 2014, 59% had “at least one birth,” according to the Guttmacher Institute. This was shocking to me. Why haven’t I read these stories before? Why is there so little written about mothers who choose abortions?
Getting pregnant for the first time was dreamy. I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy; first trimester of nausea and exhaustion, second trimester of high-energy and a cute bump, third trimester of lots of summer sweat and swollen feet. The birth went smoothly, and our baby was perfect. She slept 6 hours straight within the first week of being home. Like I said. Dreamy.
But, despite my normal pregnancy and our “easy” baby (not that taking care of any newborn is truly ever “easy”), I felt a profound loss of identity. This shift from independent human to parent human is a special kind of challenge. Nothing prepares you for it, and for some, the feeling can be inexplicable. I spent the first year in and out of depression. Out of it long enough to convince myself it was nothing, but in it long enough to suffer and feel disconnected from everything I once knew about myself. I remember telling my husband that there was nothing worth living for or being excited about.
I had never felt so shitty, but at the same time, I wanted to be my best self for my baby.
I was caught in a cycle of punishing myself for not feeling what I thought I should be feeling, which kept me from accepting how I was truly feeling. I understand now that my mind was trying to both hold space for this deep sadness while holding space for so much joy. Eventually, my husband convinced me to see a doctor. And with the help of doctors, therapists, and friends, I started recovering.
To understand my postpartum journey is to understand the weight of accidentally becoming pregnant after only 4 months of healing from this depression.
My marriage was just beginning to make a comeback. But we knew the choice we were making to terminate this pregnancy, even though it was harder, was the right one. I knew this choice required listening to that voice in my head, the one that told me I wasn’t yet ready for Baby #2. I knew this choice required taking full responsibility for the current state of my marriage, and prioritizing the health and happiness of the family I already had. I had to learn how to clear the negative noise buzzing in the back of my head, break the stigmas, and drown out my immense feelings of guilt. I new this choice would change me, expand me, make me better. I had to make this awful experience mean something.
But harder than making the choice itself was moving forward with ending the pregnancy.
When I drove to the doctors office to pick up the pills, I felt like I was watching myself drive my car. We sat on the sofa the night I took the first pill. This pill separates the embryo from the uterus. I took this pill exactly one week from the night I took the pregnancy test. We said a prayer of gratitude for the miraculous gift of this pregnancy. We promised to grow from this experience. We vowed to be to the best parents for our daughter, asleep in the next room.
“i was relieved. I know I’m supposed to feel extreme guilt and shame for even thinking such a thing, but it’s the truth. ”
It was hard, and it was emotional. And yet, I was relieved. I know I’m not supposed to say that. I’m supposed to feel extreme guilt and shame for even thinking such a thing. But it’s the truth.
My acupuncturist referred me to a doula that supports women through abortion. I honestly didn’t even know such a thing existed. The doula came 2 days later, the night after I took the second pill. The pill that expels the tissue from the body. She was incredibly calming, and prepared me for what can be a very painful experience. I experienced heavy cramping, and some pain, but a bath and some CBD concoctions helped. Eventually, she helped me relax until I fell asleep with a heating pad on my lower abdomen. I woke up feeling emotionally exhausted.
“nobody wants to get an abortion. People think it’s the easy way out, but now I know it can be so much harder. ”
It wasn’t easy to ask my husband to take our child away for the day, and invite this stranger over to comfort me during one of the scariest moments of my life. But she sat on my bed like an angel. She comforted and cared for me. She even cooked me a holistic meal while I was in the bath. The smell met me in the bathroom and I wept. She confirmed that almost 6 out of 10 abortions are had by mothers. We talked about how women should know this. We talked about the misconceptions of abortion. We agreed that nobody wants to get an abortion. People think it’s the easy way out, but now I know it can be so much harder.
After over a month of bleeding and pain, I called my doctor, concerned that something went wrong.
This was all my fault. I was overwhelmed with guilt; this is what I deserved for ending my pregnancy. Another positive pregnancy test, multiple blood tests, and several ultrasounds eventually revealed I had an ectopic pregnancy in my right fallopian tube. I couldn’t wrap my head around it; after everything I had just been through, how was this possible? To find out I never had a viable pregnancy from the start brought up a new round of fresh, raw emotions. Grief. Panic. Pain. Even though this ectopic pregnancy revealed that I never had a choice to begin with, I was still a mother that chose an abortion.
I will carry this decision with me for the rest of my life.
And I am working on carrying it without shame or regret.
