Boundaries Aren't Just For Ourselves. They're For Others, Too.
by Marissa Pomerance
We sort of love talking about boundaries.
In fact, we’ve already talked extensively about boundary-setting with Melissa Urban, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, and Hanna Stensby.
Usually, the conversation about boundaries revolves around protecting our own mental health, creating guardrails, learning how to say “no” to things. And then learning how to communicate those things and hold them.
But.
What about our own behavior?
Turning the lens inward to recognize our own flaws and learn to truly self-reflect is one of the hardest things on earth. It’s probably why the many articles on this very site about how to be a better person aren’t always our most popular— we don’t like to be challenged or made to feel like we’re “bad.”
But recognizing our own blind spots is the key to interpersonal growth, which is why setting boundaries for others can lead to happier, better relationships. Here’s how.
Our boundaries conversations are always focused on ourselves.
Well. Of course they are. And it’s not because we’re all selfish or toxic. It’s because we know— and are frequently reminded on social media— that we’re only responsible for our own mental health and happiness.
But being a functioning, self-actualized adult also means developing a keen sense of empathy, compassion, and awareness of the needs of the most important people in our lives.
If our mom and brother and husband have all told us that we’re dumping our frustration and anger about our shitty job on them constantly, and it’s exhausting to them, then it’s on us to hear that, and figure out how to better manage our emotions.
Because “responsible for” and “attuned to” are two very different things. This isn’t about people pleasing, or putting everyone else’s needs constantly above our own. But when we’re not attuned to the needs of others, we’re usually not our best selves. Or the best spouses or parents or friends or children or siblings or colleagues.
So, what does it mean to set boundaries for others?
While there are hundreds, if not thousands, of articles (like on this site!) and social media posts full of tips on how to set boundaries, what’s less talked about is how relationships are a two-way street. And so are boundaries.
According to Dr. Sarah Schewitz, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in relationships, “people often talk about boundaries for people or behaviors we want to keep out, but it's also important to think about boundaries you set with yourself and your own behavior. These boundaries help ensure that we do not hurt those we love.”
Let’s think about the types of boundaries we might set for others— telling them “no,” or, “please don’t discuss that with me,” or, “I need you to stop lashing out at me when you’re tired/angry/frustrated.” What if, instead, we’re the ones with a tendency to cross the line, or lash out, or say hurtful things, even if unintentionally?
If we can truly only control ourselves and our own happiness and our own behavior, then that entails actively recognizing and changing our own negative behavior to respect others’ boundaries.
So setting boundaries for the sake of others might look like actively trying to stop solving other people’s problems when they haven’t asked us for help, or to stop responding with sarcasm and condescension to others’ questions, or to stop being so defensive and learn to properly apologize in the moment.
“It's also important to have emotional boundaries with yourself so that you don't emotionally dump on friends, family, or partners who are not willing or able to hold space for you at that moment,” explains Dr. Schewitz.
And if we’re particularly prone to emotional flooding or outsized abreactions, setting boundaries might look like taking breaks during conflict to stop ourselves from lashing out in frustration. “Somebody with anger issues may set the boundary that, when they are feeling overwhelmed, they will take a break from the conversation. They could then set a time that they will return to complete the conversation,” says Dr. Schewitz. “In this example, the person is setting several boundaries with themself. First, they are setting the boundary that they will not communicate when emotionally overwhelmed so as not to have an angry outburst. Second, they are setting the boundary that they will take a break for a certain amount of time. Third, they are setting the boundary with themselves that they will not abandon the other person and will return to the conversation when they can have it in a calm and healthy manner.”
And let’s remember— if we’re not making real efforts to respect others’ boundaries, then why should we expect them to do the same for us?
But, how do we turn the lens inward to set these types of boundaries?
We are humans. With flaws. Many flaws. We’re not always the perfect spouses or friends or coworkers or parents. That doesn’t mean we’re “toxic” or abusive. It just means that while we sort through our own shit— our own trauma and childhood adversity and mental health setbacks— we’re also still sorting out how to be better people to those around us.
Figuring out just HOW to set boundaries on our own harmful behavior requires deep, and sometimes painful, examination of ourselves, our past, and our childhoods. For some of us, this might mean years of therapy. For others, it might mean mindfulness or meditation or reading a dozen articles online (*cough go here*) before any of it finally clicks. And sometimes, how other people react to us can often be the best mirror to reflect our own behavior.
Either way, this process requires some learning, which none of us really like doing. But if you’re truly committed to this whole “being a better person” thing, it’s an unavoidable necessity, so here are a few ideas and resources to get us all started:
1. Listen to feedback:
Sometimes, it’s pretty simple. “A great way to understand how your behavior is impacting others is to listen to their feedback,” Dr. Schewitz explains. “If you can push through the discomfort and really take in the feedback you are receiving, you may learn some valuable information about ways you need to change.”
If all of our loved ones are giving us the same feedback— like that we never really apologize when we do something hurtful—then maybe it’s time to listen. And maybe set a boundary that we’ll never utter the phrase, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and just say, “I’m sorry.”
A side note: receiving feedback can be sticky when there are plenty of toxic people who turn our words against us or use these situations to gaslight us. But if it’s someone we deeply trust, who approaches us with empathy, respect, and understanding, we’ll know if their feedback rings true.
2. Recognize our defensive reactions:
If others’ feedback stirs a defensiveness deep down, or makes us feel guilty or icky, that might be a sign that it’s shedding light on parts of ourselves that we’d rather not see, and that we need to recognize and set boundaries around those behaviors.
For example, if our partner frequently tells us that our sarcasm is hurtful and condescending, and we respond defensively with, “well maybe you shouldn’t ask me the same question over and over, especially when I’m tired and just got off work!” That’s a sign that we're probably not willing to listen to or accept their feedback because we don’t want to recognize how our language is hurtful to them.
“Your emotions are a great signal that can alert you to the need for boundaries. Particularly, anger and anxiety indicate you might need to set or enforce boundaries with yourself,” says Dr. Schewitz.
Taking a minute, especially during conflict, to recognize and acknowledge our own emotions is not easy, but it can be the key to recognizing where boundaries are necessary.
3. Recognize the reactions we provoke from others:
During a conflict with our partner, we might hear them say, “God! I just made a small mistake, can you not make SUCH a big deal out of it?” Which sounds like them refusing to accept responsibility.
But, now imagine if that conflict began with us saying, “Oh wow you forgot to buy my special coffee AGAIN? Why do you ALWAYS forget everything? Ugh, you obviously can’t be trusted with the grocery shopping.” How different does that conflict look now?
If we’re constantly receiving these defensive reactions from others, it might be a sign that we need to take a step back and think about why. Are they just defensive? Or, are we using aggressive, critical language that makes them feel attacked or belittled? Maybe they’re sensitive about these topics, so if we set ourselves a boundary to use softer language, we can help them recognize their mistake without feeling personally attacked.
4. Learn your attachment style, and try EMDR:
“Typically, in order to have healthier boundaries, we need to address underlying issues, like attachment trauma from childhood, which can be causing reactivity in your relationships. Attachment-Focused EMDR is a great method for this,” says Dr. Schewitz.
Our attachment styles— that is, how we relate and attach ourselves to others— are usually formed by our childhood experiences, and they can be crucial to understanding our relationships as adults. If we’re wondering why we always lash out in anger, or become dismissive and ultra-avoidant during a fight, this might not be a bad place to start. Because understanding the foundation of our relationships helps us better understand our own patterns and how boundaries can improve those patterns.
5. Look into therapy, and specifically, trauma-informed therapy:
Of course, therapy is an excellent way to turn the lens inward, deeply learn about ourselves, and recognize why we behave the way we do.
And if we’re really struggling with interpersonal relationships, or harmful behavior, or really any mental health issue, trauma-informed therapy, like NARM, can be hugely helpful. Trauma isn’t always black and white, or easy to recognize. We might not even realize we’ve experienced trauma, or how that trauma might be affecting the way we treat others. So a trauma-informed therapy can help us identify and heal from that trauma, which helps our relationships with our loved ones, too.
Marissa Pomerance is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. She’s a Los Angeles native and lover of all things food, style, beauty, and wellness. You can find more of her articles here.
