Angry As A Mother: Why Are We So Pissed Off?
by Katie Pace
There is always a trigger event. That’s what it’s called. “The Trigger Event.” The thing that makes you fly completely off the handle. The trigger event could be a number of different things. It may be that you’re late for school drop off and your kid can’t find their shoes. It could be siblings fighting over who gets the “good spoon.” Perhaps it’s someone’s nonstop whining about how hungry they are while the baby is crying and you’re trying to just get the spaghetti made. Or maybe it’s just some dirty socks on the floor. Whatever the occurrence, whatever the size — you. are. pissed.
Moms. We are warm, nurturing, accepting and generous human beings. But we are also full of rage. I’m not talking about bad days. About bad weeks even. Or about phases of children’s development that we haven’t yet figured out how to manage. I’m talking about those of us who are pissed off on the regular. Of course, it’s not all of us; there are plenty of mothers with patient, rational brains running the show. But right around every corner of calm, there is a red-faced mother on the verge of an explosion. And while it’s not unwarranted, our children certainly don’t deserve it either. But you already know that. And you don’t need an article telling you how damaging it is for our kids because not only do you already know, but your guilt over it is perpetuating the anger.
“but right around every corner of calm, there is a red-faced mother on the verge of an explosion.”
Now let’s be clear about The Trigger Event. The event is just the spark that ignites the flame. But the real reason that fire is raging is because it was set up to burn long before the match. It’s not about the Legos all over the floor that you’ve asked them to pick up at least five times. That is just what sets you off. Because anger is not a primary emotion — it’s a secondary one. I know how angry you ARE, but what you FEEL is actually something much different. You are just too angry to realize it.
Anger is, quite simply, our avoidance of guilt, pain and fear. Psychology Today says it’s the “emotion of invulnerability.” Let that sink it for a moment. Pause Pause Pause. Think Think Think. Absorb Absorb. Absorb. Yes. Anger is us shoving down all the feelings of hurt, worry, anxiety, rejection and failure. These feelings can beget some incredible emotional suffering for us, so in an effort to understandably NOT feel them, we force them down hard and far. And then we sit with them. “It’s fine,” we tell ourselves. “It’s not that big of a deal. I can handle it.” But as the feelings become greater, we stack them all on top of each other, one after another, after another and they begin to fester and bulge and eventually bubble over and out of our mouths in harsh, loud or terrifying tones. Usually to the people we love the most.
So why all these feelings? What could we possibly feel so pained by? We can’t possibly ALL have repressed emotional experiences or traumatic childhoods. Well, maybe this is why.
1. We are hurt because we are devalued.
We are so much more than The Giver of Life. We are the lunch makers and the broken heart fixers and the pee-all-over-the-bathroom-floor cleaners. We are the teachers of bike riding and car driving and sex and the dangers of the internet. We are the baby wearers and photo takers and dish doers. And more often than not, we are the default parent. The one who does “the stuff” no matter what jobs, stress and physical exhaustion we have taking over our being. But frankly, our kids don’t care. We hope that they will one day have a deep appreciation for what we gave them, but for now it’s just what they know.
My kids were recently watching “The Grinch.” I tuned in right as I heard Cindy Lou Who tell her friend that she asked Santa to make it easier on her mom. See, her mom worked all night and took care of Cindy all day and things were just hard. But that sweet Cindy Lou recognized her mother’s struggle and sacrifice and wanted to make it better. Now first of all, bless that child and the creators of this movie for trying to instill this in real- life children. Second of all, Whoville ain’t real y’all! While I know most of us are attempting to raise highly empathetic young people, they are still children. They are little (or big) egomaniacs who couldn’t possibly appreciate everything a mother does, because I didn’t even recognize it until I became one. So there is no way they are giving you the credit that you deserve for your endless service and selflessness. And even though we don’t expect them to, it’s human nature to want to be acknowledged.
Let me tell you what you are feeling underneath that anger. You are feeling unimportant. Invisible. Unappreciated and taken for granted. It helps to have a partner that values what you give, but there is an unspoken level of ache around this lack of validation from your children.
2. We are anxious because we have unmet and unreasonable expectations.
My mom told me that one of her regrets was expecting too much of me, her oldest child. It’s something we all do. Expect our children to fall in line with what we ask of them, even though their physical or emotional maturity isn’t at the level of our ask. Understanding a child’s levels of development is crucial to better parenting. But we are so in tune with their progress, so impressed and enamored with their intellect and so entwined with their milestones, that we believe them capable of anything. We believe them to be part of us, as if one of our own limbs that we can control. But they don’t always have the tools or capacity to reach the goal you are setting. And when they fail, you also fail at keeping it together.
For example, you may assume that your toddler is able to pick up their toys. You’ve seen them throw blocks into a bin before, surely they can do it now. They are just being difficult. But what you don’t take into account is that toddlers aren’t competent in breaking things down to one simple task. So if there is a room full of toys all over the floor, just asking them to pick up makes them completely shut down. You have to simplify to, “Please pick up the cars and put them in the basket.” Define a much smaller task, with much more equitable expectations and you both may end up more successful. There will be a tidier room and less smoke coming from your ears.
This goes the same for teens and your assumptions that they know better when it comes to decision-making. While teens are able to have complex thoughts and reasoning, their decision-making is still done with their amygdala - the emotional center of the brain. But their prefrontal cortex - the rational part - isn’t fully developed until they are 25. So we can’t expect them to always be making wise choices, no matter how smart they are — just emotional ones. By lowering our expectations of them and shouting less of the “What were you thinking?!” we are setting them up for a more favorable outcome and ourselves up for more pride and less fury.
These unmet expectations though aren’t always in regard to our children, but often the ones we have for ourselves. We are so bombarded with images and messages of perfect parents. And perfect people for that matter. And as mothers we want to do it all. If THEY can raise well behaved, put-together children, have a successful career, a beautiful home and still look good doing it…then I can, too! I am woman, hear me roar, right?!? No. That is completely unattainable. One or more of these things is irrational to even consider. But we still push to get as close as we can and cause unnecessary stress on ourselves and thusly our family.
We are in pursuit of perfection here, knowing full well that it doesn’t exist. We yell at our kids about the way they acted in the grocery store. We snap at them when they want more attention from us and we are too busy to give it. We gripe when they are incapable of doing what we ask. And the messes they make? Jesus. The proverbial milk has spilled and we are doing much more than just crying over it. And that’s because we are overwhelmed by our own expectations for the way things should go. The sooner we can learn to let go of them, the sooner that hot burn of anger in our chest will cool.
“the proverbial milk has spilled and we are doing much more than just crying over it. ”
3. We are grieving.
Grief isn’t always what we think it to be. It’s not always the loss of a person, place or thing. It’s often the death of a dream. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t really know why you’re angry, sit with the idea of grief for a bit. Let it ruminate into the top of your chest or pit of your belly — that area where you hold the gulp of tears you just swallowed down. Could it be sorrow that’s making you so damn infuriated? What could you be grieving?
Maybe it’s your old life. That weird floaty place in your brain that you can barely remember, where you had time to just play everything by ear and never make a plan. The one where you slept in on weekends and binged watched tv on rainy days. Where you stayed out late and had extra money or maybe no money at all. The one where you were successful at something. Or at everything. The one where you were naturally good at things, and not constantly reminded of how much you stink at being a parent. That time when you lived for you instead of someone else.
Maybe you’re grieving your own unmet needs. The three proper meals a day. The way you took care of yourself. Your clothes. Your skin. Your hair. Exercise. I mean that sleep deprivation alone is killing you. But you’re also missing time with friends. With a partner. Mourning the lack of intimate relationships that you just don’t have time for. Or maybe just time with yourself.
Or perhaps you're grieving the demise of your vision of motherhood. It’s always so much more challenging than we ever can possibly envision it being. So much uglier and more demeaning and shameful. We have fantasies of what motherhood will be and reveries of what kind of mothers we will be. We were supposed to bake cookies and push swings in the park. We would be open and available and present. And we would discuss things calmly because yelling wasn’t going to be a thing in our house. Parenthood is so excruciatingly beautiful and sometimes it’s just excruciating. So are the deaths of dreams.
4. We are in a cycle we’re having trouble getting out of.
When I pitched this idea to Audie, the editor of this site, it was an article about moms that are angry. But it was also about our history. About what is rooted deep within us from our own childhoods. How perhaps our parents were always fuming and so we learned that this is how you deal with children. This is how you cope with frustration. This is how you show people how you feel. But after spending time researching anger, I realized that yes, there may be a small piece that is related to genetics, personality traits and behavior patterns. The way we were parented of course creates part of this. But surprisingly, not because we are repeating those behaviors. But instead because we were hurt by them. It is once again, about something aching beneath the surface. It’s a hamster wheel of emotions that is coming back around to us.
If you were parented in anger with hurtful words and fear-based shame, over time that vocabulary became your inner voice. They are not as much learned behaviors, as past hurts that are coming back up for you. And instead of getting vulnerable about it, you are angry. Again. And then you double-down with guilt.
Guilt is the Mother of all the parent feelings. It’s the big ugly monster that keeps us awake at night. And it perpetuates the cycle of anger by living underneath the surface. And until we learn how to cope with it in a healthy and productive manner, by sharing it with our friends and even our families, it’s going to continue to come up, sometimes even nastier than before.
“guilt is the mother of all the parent feelings. it’s the big ugly monster that keeps us awake at night.”
So tomorrow when you wake up, in a hurry to get everyone out the door and no one is moving fast enough and everyone is whining and the house is a wreck and you start to yell, do a quick check. Are your expectations in line with where they should be for both yourself and your children? What can you do to get a little time for yourself soon? With whom can you get really vulnerable and share any and all of the terrible feelings?
And how can you forgive yourself?
Katie Pace is an LA based ex-ad creative who is now a writer by day and everything-elser by night. You can find more of her articles here.
