9 Ways To Feel Our Feelings Without Being Horrible To Other People, According To A Therapist
by The Candidly Team
“Your feelings are valid.”
We see this refrain everywhere these days. And the intention behind it is good. So many of us have spent our lives burying our true feelings, denying them and shoving them down into deep corners where we can ignore them until they burst out of us. Learning how to recognize and validate our feelings is an important step towards better boundaries and self-esteem.
But like any Instagram platitude, it has its limits. And where this idea frequently confuses us is, if our feelings are always valid, does that mean that the actions accompanying those feelings are valid too?
If we’re feeling ragey because our spouse spent 3 hours watching golf while we were cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids, is it valid to tell them that any way we want?
Well according to licensed therapist Amanda White, we can and should validate our feelings, but that doesn’t mean we should just dump them on the people around us. Here’s how.
1. Pop psychology tells us that all of our feelings are always valid, and that we should never bottle them up. But if our feelings are always valid, does that mean the actions that come from those feelings are valid, too? What if we feel like our spouse is the most annoying person on earth when they loudly listen to a sports podcast to help them sleep? Is it always valid to tell them that?
Just because your feelings are valid, does not mean that the actions you take with those feelings are okay. It is not always necessary or helpful to tell someone exactly how you are feeling 24/7, especially if we remember that our thoughts are not always an accurate depiction about how we truly feel.
Your feelings are valid, but they are not always true and how you express your feelings may not be valid if you are causing harm to someone.
2. Do we have permission to express our valid feelings however and whenever we want? Or if we express our feelings all the time, even in a kind way, is that appreciated by everyone around us? Why or why not?
The line depends on the boundaries in your relationships. For example, at work, there are often higher boundaries between people for good reason, especially between a boss and an employee. Therefore, it would not be appropriate to tell your boss in detail how you are feeling all the time or express to them what they are doing is annoying you whenever you have that thought.
This doesn’t mean your feelings about things aren’t valid, but it does mean saying everything you think is not appropriate given the boundaries of that dynamic.
In closer relationships, it’s likely more understood that you will be more open about how you are feeling, however, it’s also important to note that even close people have a right to set boundaries with us. Let’s say you and your spouse like being very open with each other. If they are doing work during the day and you interrupt them by talking at length about how annoyed you are, they have a right to tell you that they cannot talk to you right now or maybe they don’t have time to talk to you when they are at work.
3. In a heated moment, when we're angry at our spouse for forgetting to go grocery shopping when they said they would, or we're deep into a Covid anxiety spiral, how do we express our emotions without taking the emotions out on someone else? During a moment of our deep distress or anxiety, how do we have boundaries with OURSELVES, even though we’re likely in a triggered state?
Be clear when you are venting that this is just your experience. Often when we get upset at someone and express our emotions, we inadvertently blame people for how we feel. Instead of saying, “Did you seriously forget to go to the grocery store? I reminded you 100x! You don’t listen to me!” Notice your anger and say something like, “Look I know you probably didn’t do it on purpose, but when you don’t do things I ask, it feels like you don’t care about me.” Other helpful phrases include saying “the story I am making up is…” or “when you do X, it feels to me like Y.”
A trick I use with my spouse is when I know I am overreacting (because I think it’s fair to say we all do), and I can’t get myself to calm down or use the tip above, I will say something like, “I know I am not being rational and I know how I am treating you isn’t fair but I can’t snap myself out of it right now.” This is really helpful because then you will save the argument where your spouse says you are overreacting, and you deny it.
4. And during a heated moment like that, how do we get them to validate our legitimate emotions without them feeling like we're emotionally dumping on them?
Separate their behavior from your emotions. Be clear with your significant how they are impacting you instead of blaming them. Try not to make them wrong and instead ask them to validate your emotions.
Say something like, “Look I know you didn’t mean to forget to go to the grocery store, but do you understand how when I ask repeatedly, and you forget I end up feeling dismissed?”
They don’t need to agree that they are wrong. Validation doesn’t mean you approve of something. It means that someone says how you feel makes sense and someone can understand why you would feel that way.
5. Conversely, if our spouse is constantly, angrily venting to us about work in a way that is exhausting and emotionally draining for us, how do we support them as a partner, validate their feelings, and also let them know that we can no longer bear the brunt of their frustration?
I think it’s important to remember, we have a right to set boundaries and other people have a right to set boundaries too. Supporting someone and validating them doesn’t mean that they have a right to ask you to support and validate them 24/7 or whenever it is convenient for them. You can set limits on how long you will listen to someone’s frustration, and when you have the time during the day.
6. Simply put, What's the difference between validating our own emotions, and letting them run amok? Can we do one without the other?
Validating your emotions doesn’t mean you must act on them. You can tell yourself, “it makes sense that I feel this way” or have someone else tell you that and this is not the same thing as telling someone how they act on their emotions is okay.
Validation doesn’t mean approval. I can understand and validate that the way someone feels is normal without telling them that I agree with their interpretation of a situation.
Letting them run amok is akin to allowing your emotions to dictate all your behavior. You can allow yourself to feel your emotions and take action so that you don’t take out your emotions on other people.
7. What specific, concrete tools or methods can we use to self-soothe and validate our own feelings, so that we're not just taking them out on whoever is closest to us?
Learn how to validate yourself:
Notice the emotion that you are feeling: “I notice I am feeling overwhelmed.”
Provide context: “this makes sense because I have a big project coming up this week.”
Incorporate your values: “I value hard work. I am going to focus on doing my best rather than getting feedback from my boss.”
Normalize: “I am sure a lot of people in my position would feel overwhelmed too.”
Take action: “What can I do to act in alignment with my values and reduce overwhelm?”
8. What methods can we employ to try to express our emotions in a healthy way to not keep them bottled up, without letting them run our lives?
Journaling.
Writing an angry unsent letter (write down all the things you wish you could say to someone and then go back and revise it and if you still need to send it or could revise it first).
Calling a friend or confidant (especially someone who isn’t directly connected to the situation) and venting to them.
We also have the capacity to process our emotions nonverbally, ideas for how to do this include walking, exercising or any mindful movement, listening to music, making art, mindfulness.
9. Are there any times we should bite our tongues, or not express a certain emotion, if it's hurtful to others? Are there times when we should bottle them up? Or is that always a recipe for disaster?
I think there’s an important difference between “bottling up your emotions” and not expressing certain emotions. Just because you don’t express your emotions to that specific person that you have an emotional reaction towards does not mean you are bottling up your emotions.
You can process or work through your emotions by yourself or with someone else and not even need to share how you feel with that person necessarily. In fact, often it can be helpful if we are really heated to not share them immediately and process them first so that we don’t say things that we don’t mean and cause harm.
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