8 Clear Ways To Start Building Better Self-Esteem Right Now
by The Candidly Team
We’re told that low self-esteem is just low confidence.
But is it?
No, self-esteem runs much deeper than that.
Actually, much of low self-esteem is a product of childhood wounds. It’s an internal pressure to live up to unrealistic standards of perfection. Self-esteem is at the root of our fear of rejection. It’s what leaves us feeling annihilated when we receive any negative feedback. It’s what fuels our cycles of negative self-talk.
People tell us to “just have higher self-esteem.” But how?
Well, according to therapist Amanda White, this is how.
1. So. How do we actually “get” self-esteem?
Firstly, getting a solid sense of self-compassion is a really important foundation. Knowing you have worth because you are a human being and deserve love and respect is so important.
Next, I recommend people get in touch with their values. If you google values lists you can find them. Common values include: friendship, service, community, family, hard work, honesty etc. If you identify a few core values and then take action from that, while recognizing you will never be perfect, this is a great way to start building healthy self-esteem that is based on your own beliefs rather than something outside of yourself that can crumble.
2. People say that we shouldn't base our self-esteem on our looks, or job performance, or the opinions of others. So what should we base our self-esteem on?
Self-esteem often causes us to have to earn our worth because it is based on what we do or what we have. So if your self-esteem is based in your job and you lose your job, you lose self-esteem.
Instead, I wish more people would work towards self-compassion, which is based in the idea that you are inherently worthy and have value based on who you are rather than what you accomplish.
3. If we love our jobs or we're great at what we do, of course we're going to gain self-esteem from that. But should we?
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with loving your job and being good at it or feeling proud of your vocation.
Things get sticky when that is the only source of our self-worth, or if we feel as though we cannot take breaks, take risks or try something new out of fear of failure.
4. How is our self-esteem connected to our childhoods?
One of the biggest things that negatively impacts our self-esteem is when our parents or caregivers reward us based on what we do, rather than who we are.
Even if our caregivers said that they unconditionally loved us, if we were only rewarded and praised and shown love when we accomplished something, we learn that our worth is tied to what we do rather than who we are.
If our caregivers didn’t allow us to fail or make mistakes, we learn that it isn’t okay to mess up.
“ i wish more people would work towards self-compassion, which is the idea that you are inherently worthy and have value.”
5. It feels obvious that the opinions of others shouldn’t influence our self-esteem. But shouldn't we still care if people think we're good (or horrible) people?
Popular culture tends to tell us that we should not be dependent on anyone, and this is impossible. If we care about people, we of course are going to want them to care about us and think we are good people.
6. How do we start to separate our own self-image from the opinions of others?
By identifying our values and taking action from our own values and beliefs, rather than taking action in order to keep up with what others think of us.
It’s also important to be vulnerable with others and share your truth and values even if they have a different perception of you. If your family sees you in a way that’s different from the person you are now, it is going to be difficult to feel good about yourself when you are around them if you are still hiding parts of yourself.
7. Is social media ruining our sense of selves?
I do think there is a lot of positive on social media; therapists, doctors and mental health advocates are working to de-stigmatize therapy, and wellness brands like you guys are also talking about topics that were previously taboo.
However, our brains were not wired to be able to be in touch with billions of people, and this is having a really negative impact on our mental health.
We evolved to naturally compare ourselves to others, to want to be liked, loved and accepted. It was a really important part of our survival; the problem is, our brains evolved to be able to be in touch with around 150 people maximum, and now we can compare ourselves to billions of people, so it’s really hard on our self-esteem.
A lot of traditional ideas about self-esteem suggest that it should come from being better than or different than others, and comparison on social media is a huge trap. To make matters worse, social media only lets us see one small snapshot of someone’s life that may be airbrushed or photoshopped, and we compare it to our entire day, or week. We assume people are happy all the time if they show one moment of joy. This is not the case.
That is why I am a much bigger proponent of developing self-compassion. We can be kind and compassionate to ourselves without any comparison to anyone else.
8. What are some actionable, concrete steps we can take to start building a healthier sense of self-esteem today?
Identify a few core values.
Start taking action in order to align with those values.
Set small goals (this can be as small as making your bed for example if you value organization, orderliness or design) and work towards meeting those goals.
The biggest thing that prevents people from building self-esteem is believing that they cannot change; that they cannot take different action or choose different values, that they are stuck.
People underestimate how much breaking your word to yourself negatively impacts your self-worth or self-esteem. Not being able to trust yourself erodes your self-esteem.
If you struggle with low self-esteem, start taking super small actions you know you can follow through on. Do not make promises to yourself that you cannot or have not kept. Start small and build from there and give yourself grace and self-compassion when you mess up.
Building a positive relationship with yourself is a journey.
