6 Ways To Spice It Up In The Bedroom With Your Partner Of 1000 Years
Yes. It’s possible.
by The Candidly Team
A recent study (because studies about sex are so very sexy!) found that the biggest predictor of declining libido in middle aged women is…. exhaustion.
Not waning hormones. Or dumb little fights with our spouses.
Exhaustion.
Surprised? Or are you struggling to keep your eyes open as you read this very sentence?
The point is as our lives get fuller, busier, more bogged down in practical responsibilities, we also get more wiped out. Our relationships start to center themselves on things like “who’s picking up what or cooking that or handling bedtime or gets to use the shower first…not together, first!” All those things that not only don’t lead to sex but often outright box it out.
And if all of this sounds like the usual song and dance about why married couples stop having sex, we’ll cut ourselves off right now. We know you don’t have time for it.
The point is that it’s normal to wonder how you’d even go about reinventing or reinvigorating the sex you share with someone who is so deeply familiar to you. Especially when you’re both barely awake enough to have your run of the mill vanilla sex?
But, we discovered, there is a way.
And to spell out what it is, we talked to our favorite expert on the subject, human sexuality professor Dr. Nicole McNichols from from University of Washington.
What she gave us is hope - in the form of six critical actions.
1. So before we get into the details, is it actually possible to give yourself a little push toward wanting more (or better!) sex with the person you now regularly watch clip their toenails and who will probably never in your lifetime voluntarily unload the dishwasher?
Absolutely, it's possible to reignite passion in a long-term relationship! The key is to shift your perspective and prioritize intimacy. While it's true that familiarity can breed complacency, you can work together to break the routine and rekindle desire.
Start by discussing your desires openly and honestly. Explore fantasies and experiment with new activities to introduce novelty back into your sex life.
In fact, research shows that couples who try one new thing in the bedroom every month report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than those who don't. I would encourage everyone to start there! Introducing novelty can be as simple as trying a new sexual position, having sex in a different room or location than you are used to, introducing a toy, or even just trying out some different types of lube or arousal gels.
I would also recommend carving out time that is just for you and your partner and is away from the usual grind of everyday life. Try going away for a weekend, or even just go to a nice hotel for a night. When we experience novel and adventurous experiences with our partners that excitement feeds right back into our intimate lives.
2. What are some of the precursors to having hotter sex, meaning how much of it is about the buildup or the ways we relate to each other before things get physical?
Foreplay doesn’t just happen in the few minutes leading up to sex. It’s all the moments when we’re not having sex where we express affection and interest in our partners in order to create intimacy. Spending physical time together, holding hands, cuddling - all these forms of non-sexual touch feed our sense of intimate connection with our partner.
The buildup and emotional connection are essential for hotter sex in a long-term relationship, especially for women. Consider date nights, weekend getaways, or even simple gestures like love notes to keep the romance alive. Foreplay should be ongoing and extend beyond just the moments leading up to sex.
3. We hear a lot of vague advice around sex like “stay open” or “just let yourself relax” which always feels sort of empty and unactionable. What are the most crucial, concrete things we can try that you’ve seen help couples spice things up? Please be specific and give examples! We’re old and desperate!
Get to know your own body:
Research shows that partners who masturbate have more sex with their partners, not less! Masturbating lets you get to understand what feels good to your own body - the types of sensations and touch that feel good to you so that you can then communicate that to a partner.
Ask questions.
As mundane as it may sound at first, it's important to do your homework. Ask your partner what feels good, what they want more of, what they may want to try, what their fantasies are.
These conversations may initially seem awkward or unexciting, but they are really important. It's about creating a safe space where you and your partner can freely express your desires, fantasies, and preferences.
I'm personally a huge fan of exchanging questions designed to enhance sexual intimacy, as they open doors to curiosity and help you both explore your desires more deeply.
4. Since we can only really control our half of the equation, what’s the best way to approach “inspiring” our partner to make things more interesting in the bedroom?
Inspiring your partner starts with effective communication. It's crucial to create a safe and non-judgmental space for open discussions about your desires and needs. Share your fantasies and listen to your partner's as well. Understand that everyone's comfort zones may differ, and it's important to respect boundaries.
Be patient and consider compromise. Maybe your partner is hesitant to try something new, but they might be willing to experiment with a small step towards your shared desires. Encourage each other's efforts and provide positive feedback when something works well.
As with all good things, be patient and trust the process.
And just to recap, for those who live and die by a bullet-pointed list (us!), here are those six key takeaways all in one place:
Try one new thing in the bedroom every month.
Get to know your own body.
Power through the not always comfortable process of asking lots of questions about each other’s desires, fantasies, and preferences.
Carve out time for just the two of you in any form that can take.
Be consistent with all kinds of physical touch even when it’s non-sexual.
Give positive feedback when something “works.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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