13 Secrets Of Couples Who Have Great Sex
They all sound highly doable.
by The Candidly Team
We’re sort of on this kick lately where we’re getting a little scientific about sex. Not in an experimental way but…well, actually kind of in an experimental way.
What we mean by that is that there’s always room to learn more about what can make sex better. For us. Between us and our partner. And in ways we may not necessarily expect.
So whether you’re single or have been with your partner for 1,000 years, why not pull all the data and possibly uncover if maybe there’s something we’re NOT doing that could open up a whole new world of good stuff?…To put it both unsexily and unscientifically.
But you get where we’re going with this.
And in this case, it’s straight to Dr. John Gottman, a lead researcher at The Gottman Institute who has been studying romantic relationships (what works and what doesn’t) for decades now.
He writes about how couples who have great sex all over the world in all different cultures are actually doing a lot of the same things. 13 things, in fact.
And here’s exactly what they are.
Before we dive right in, you’re probably asking where these answers even come from. They were compiled by Gottman from two sources: 1. His own extensive years of research on couples and 2. A book called The Normal Bar, which studied almost 100,000 people around the world to determine what kept them happy long-term in their relationships and naturally, that included their sex lives.
So without further ado, here are their secrets to having and sustaining wonderful sex:
1. “They say “I love you” every day and mean it”
This isn’t about a quick or empty sign off at the end of a call. It’s about taking a teeny bit of time to connect in yourself to your own loving feelings toward this person you happen to share a bedroom with. In daily life, things frequently veer toward the practical, so just noticing the cute way your partner looks when shuffling for a shirt or how sweet they were when they refilled your coffee mug, and then saying that feeling out loud will go a long way in making both of you see each other with fresh, affectionate eyes.
2. “They kiss one another passionately for no reason.”
This is a real, science-backed thing. We wrote all about it HERE. But basically, a kiss lasting six seconds does magical things for reconnecting couples to each other in ways that can lead to more intimacy and satisfaction.
3. “They give surprise romantic gifts.”
Hmmm, pretty straight-forward. Also, pretty fun!
4. “They know what turns their partners on and off erotically.”
Ok, this one’s a little more complex. But talking about sex is sort of like forcing ourselves to exercise: it sounds uncomfortable and we’d rather avoid it, but doing it can lead to glorious and satisfying outcomes. One way to start, because that’s usually the hardest part, is with these 6 questions.
Image from Instagram/ @gottmaninstitute
5. “They are physically affectionate, even in public.”
We gotta get more French about PDA, guys. Our physical relationships might depend on it!
6. “They keep playing and having fun together.”
We refuse to accept the notion that we’re too old for things like this. For skinny-toed stilettos, maybe. For silliness, never!
7. “They cuddle.”
Doesn’t have to be all night. But on the couch, in the grocery line, at the park. Go for it. Why not? We’re French now, remember?
8. “They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list.”
It’s not always easy to stop time and jumpstart your desire. But there’s a way to do it. And it’s THIS.
9. “They stay good friends.”
A lot goes into this, but it also sort of boils down to one specific thing: Keep asking questions.
We don’t usually just throw quotes at you but this simple one from Gottman is one we try to remind ourselves of daily. “You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your partner, and being brave enough to share your own inner world, and never be done discovering all there is to know about each other.”
10. “They can talk comfortably about their sex life.”
Including about when things went really, reeeeally well.
11. “They have weekly dates.”
Let’s just embrace the fact that some scheduled things can, in fact, be sexy. Even if it’s a night on the couch with cozy socks, buttery popcorn, and NO PHONES…until one of you absolutely needs to know what else that actor played in in that show you’re watching.
12. “They take romantic vacations.”
To France?
13. “They are mindful about turning toward.”
And suddenly, we’re back in more conceptual territory. But not really, because in truth, this principle may be the most important action item out of everything else we just sailed through. Because what Gottman means by this is that we make it a meaningful priority to recognize our partner’s “bids for connection” and that we orient ourselves toward them. We lean in. Show interest. Listen. Respond. Attune to what they need from us on a “need” level.
So while nothing on this list was zoning in on convoluted positions or racy things to wear, we found it sort of refreshing to have goals that align with how we want to relate to the person we love anyway. And to know that doing those fun, fulfilling things is proven to pay off long-term…and more than just emotionally.
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