These 2 Magic Words Will Instantly Improve Your Sex Life
by Carolyn Firestone
Relationship researcher John Gottman famously said, “Everything positive that happens between you and your partner is foreplay.” The negative? Not so much.
Naturally, there are many factors that can feed into couples feeling less than ecstatic about their sex life. Enough, in fact, to lead more than a third of Americans in relationships to refer to themselves as “sexually dissatisfied.”
It’s not too much of a stretch to imagine what might go into this. For instance, there are certain behaviors (four in particular, according to Gottman) that drive a sharp wedge between couples.
There’s the slew of stresses that source from other parts of our lives (I won’t name names, but one rhymes with shmandemic).
With things weighing on us from all directions, it’s a little too easy to lose touch with our own physical needs and desires, much less those of our partner. And it really doesn’t help that the people most likely to bear the brunt of our bad moods are the ones we share a bed with at night.
All this is to say, there are a lot of reasons for intimacy to dwindle that have almost nothing to do with sex itself. And those reasons aren’t always big, huge, earth-shattering revelations that have to send us into a panic. They can be little things. Small actions that completely shift the dynamic between ourselves and our partner.
Which brings us to those two words.
Back in 2020, a study was done on how gratitude can impact sexual satisfaction. The study measured something called “sexual communal strength (SCS).” I know. The word “communal” threw me off, too, but what it actually means is “the extent to which people are motivated to be responsive to their partner’s sexual needs.”
What the study found was that couples who expressed more appreciation toward each other had greater SCS. They wanted to make each other happy on a physical level, which (no surprise here) led them to feel more sexually satisfied.
So, you might see where we’re going with this, but the words we need to be saying A LOT more to our partner are…
THANK YOU.
Who knew that all that stood between us and way better sex were two measly syllables?
If it feels like we’re being reductive here, consider this. Pretty much all of the biggest killers of intimacy equate to the opposite of gratitude.
The time we spend nitpicking, complaining, and telling our partner what they did wrong. The time we spend feeling underappreciated or one-sided in our practical responsibilities. All of this leads both parties in a couple to feel more resentful and less attracted.
Taking a softer approach to our partner, in general, not only changes their feelings toward us, but it cultivates warmer feelings inside us. Which is why using the words “thank you” is so powerful. It reminds us of all the reasons we love, value, and feel attracted to our partner.
Making a habit of vocalizing our gratitude connects us to those sparkly, drawn-in feelings we love feeling toward our partner. And it ups our overall ratio of positive to negative interactions. You know? The sort of interactions that bleed into affection.
According to Dr. Dana McNeil of The Gottman Institute, “sharing fondness and admiration is something that even the most contemptuous and emotionally disconnected couples can easily manage to work into their relationship.” If it feels a bit forced or disingenuous at first, don’t worry. Just do it anyway.
Eventually, saying “thank you” will start to open our eyes to all the invisible things our partner does, which in turn, breeds more genuine appreciation.
It also helps our partner feel seen, which lights a fire under their own attraction and desire.
Gottman researchers recommend couples end every night with an expression of gratitude. Taking this practice to bed could very well lead to the beginning of something else.
carolyn firestone
Carolyn is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. Her favorite thing to do is to write about her favorite things, especially when they have even the slightest chance of making someone else’s something (mood, relationship, travel plans, or toiletry kit) a little better. You can find more of her articles here.
This article is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be used in place of professional advice, medical treatment, or professional care in any way. This article is not intended to be and should not be a substitute for professional care, advice or treatment. Please consult with your physician or healthcare provider before changing any health regimen. This article is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent disease of any kind. Read our Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.
