We’re Going To Stop Using This One Word At Work. You Should, Too.
by Carolyn Firestone
We won’t make you scroll down past 27 ads to learn what the word is.
The word is “unfortunately.”
We had internal discussions about how much of a bummer this word is, and lo and behold, we discovered in our that research that Apple staff are actually forbidden to use it all. Now, we’re not going to go that far, but the psychology behind it is interesting. Apparently their staff is encouraged to use the more upbeat expression “as it turns out.”
I know. The effort of a corporation to curate their employees’ vocabulary can come off a little contrived or even “culty.” There’s certainly reason to be wary of an overly controlling company culture.
Yet, like it or not, the words we use matter, and they matter at work. To our customers. With our co-workers. In our emails. They set people’s expectations, shape their motivation, and tailor their responses.
In the book, Words Can Change Your Brain, researchers Andrew Newberg, M.D. and Mark Robert Waldman point out, “A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.”
This reaction is a two-way street.
“If you vocalize your negativity, or even slightly frown when you say “no,” more stress chemicals will be released, not only in your brain, but in the listener’s as well,” wrote Newborn and Waldman. “The listener will experience increased anxiety and irritability, thus undermining cooperation and trust.”
If one little word can change our brain and impair our communication with others, then it may be time to drop a few from daily use.
So, setting all Apple dogma aside, here’s why the word “unfortunately” should be at the top of your cut list.
1. It’s defeatist.
Here’s the bottom line when it comes to this word. It’s just not solution-oriented.
No one hears “unfortunately” and thinks, “No problem, I’ll just head back to my desk and quickly think up 25 better ideas.”
Being solution-oriented in our language is uplifting. It gives people the extra oomph they need to get creative, or in worst case scenarios, to start over again.
Small changes in our language from problem to solution-focused can shift our own expectations and enhance our ability to handle roadblocks.
It does so by strengthening a growth mindset over a fixed mindset. This essentially means we’re more willing to learn from and adapt to challenges, rather than feeling boxed in by obstacles.
2. It’s shortsighted.
“Unfortunately” implies that you have no control. Fate (or fortune) is simply not in your favor.
Even though the word is usually placed at the start of a sentence, it instantly feels like a door slamming in your face. What follows is something that can’t be accomplished or resolved.
The problem, of course, is that this can lead to a total shutdown of any further flowing thoughts and ideas. In the workplace, it’s much easier to pinpoint what can't be done rather than uncover what can.
Instead of looking at a suggestion or request as an immediate no-go (e.g. “We can’t incentivize a customer to subscribe with the promise of hand-delivered, homemade brownies”), it’s better to think past the problem to an alternative that could have the same effect (e.g. “We could promise to share my grandmother’s earth-shatteringly unbelievable brownie recipe with all new subscribers.”)
3. It’s lazy.
When someone presents a problem we can’t immediately solve, the word “unfortunately” can feel like it’s coming to the rescue.
Think of a co-worker who, in a burst of unfiltered creativity, emails you a slew of out-of-the-box ideas for an upcoming project. Scanning the bullet-pointed list of suggestions, you realize you can’t possibly make all these changes, either technically or by the deadline.
Leading off your reply email with that all-powerful “unfortunately” can be a big relief. I’ve certainly been guilty of this.
Swamped with our existing workload, the use of “unfortunately” can feel like dodging a burden. We may think, “Since it can’t be done, I can’t do it…AND I don’t have to feel bad about it.”
The problem is this type of can’t-do terminology dumps the burden back on the other person, forcing them to find an alternate solution. Implying that something is out of our hands is a pretty powerless position to take, not to mention it’s deflating to others.
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4. So, what do I say instead?
I get that striking this word from our vocabulary for all eternity is as unrealistic as a parent “redirecting” rather than ever saying “no” to their toddler. Not so easy when they’re hightailing it to the exit of a supermarket, screaming maniacally and carrying a stolen pack of Bubblicious. Again, totally not a personal example.
Rather than take the Apple approach of telling you one specific phrase to swap in, here are some ideas of the kinds of things to get across instead of a big, fat “not gonna happen.”
Propose a solution: Rather than dwell on the problem, speak from a proactive mindset. You may start your response with phrases like, “Well, here’s what we could do about that” or “Another solution might be.” Or just launch right in to whatever you think needs to happen. Make suggestions when you have them and keep the dialogue open when you don’t.
Build on rather than shutting down: Sure, not all tasks are feasible. And let’s face it, there are some absurd requests. I’m looking at you, guy who once asked me for a refund for a free webinar. Even so, there’s no harm in looking for the kernel of value in what another person proposes and building on it where possible. We’ve all worked with someone who takes a little too much pleasure in telling us why things won’t work or can’t happen. Don’t be that person.
Acknowledge where they’re coming from: Sometimes things just can’t be done. There is, after all, such thing as a bad idea. You can keep people from feeling defeated by reflecting their dilemma back to them and tailing it with a bit of support. Even at work, most people’s first goal when communicating is to feel heard out and understood. You may respond with something like, “I hear you” or “I can see this is a tough one to resolve, but we’ll figure it out.”
Invite them to be part of a solution: Try to use inclusive language that shows you’re in this together and not just throwing your hands in the air and heading to lunch. You could say, “Let’s think about that a little more, because…” Or “Since (insert problem here) maybe we should try (insert method for you both to come up with an alternative).
Be honest about what’s needed: One of the reasons people don’t like doctoring language is that it can come off as disingenuous. Not saying “unfortunately” isn’t about sugar-coating reality. Rather, it’s a small way of contributing to a workspace that’s oriented toward optimism and support over doom and gloom. If an immediate resolution isn’t available, be honest and let the person know you need some time or more resources to figure it out. Even in our delivery of bad news, we could all be more mindful of the small ways we pepper our surroundings (not to mention ourselves) with negativity.
As it turns out, letting go of bummer words that fail to inspire can be a great place to start.
Carolyn Firestone
Carolyn is a freelance writer and editor. Her favorite thing to do is to write about her favorite things, especially when they have even the slightest chance of making someone else’s something (mood, relationship, travel plans, or toiletry kit) a little better. You can find more of her articles here.
