Here’s Exactly How To Have A Date Night You’ll Remember Forever
No reservations necessary.
by The Candidly Team
Date nights are one of those activities that sound really good. Dressing up in clothes you rarely get to wear. Getting out of the house after 6pm. Eating something neither one of you has to clean up after.
But there are some things that routinely get in the way of a date night being really good.
It doesn’t happen. Life gets ludicrous, and we get tired.
When it does happen, we kind of lose the thread of why we’re going on one in the first place.
The truth is the goal of a date night 15 years into a relationship shouldn’t be so different from that of 15 days into one: to have copious amounts of fun, to get to know the other person better, to deepen your connection (for lack of a less corny term). And, of course, to tap into the thrill of attraction that you sometimes miss when one of you is plunging the toilet and the other is wrestling a shoe onto a kid who’s just a little too old to need help with a shoe.
The good news is there is some solid, scientific methodology behind executing a vivid and meaningful date night. Wildly romantic stuff, we know.
But we’re serious.
Much of this method comes from The Gottman Institute, an organization that’s been studying couples for about four decades and has pretty much cracked the code for why many of them don’t end up staying together. And to help us decode how to plan a perfect date night, we spoke to Laura Silverstein, LCSW, who’s worked with couples for more than 30 years and is certified in the Gottman Method.
Why do date nights matter?
“If postponing date nights becomes a habit, and you’re canceling week after week, you could be putting your relationship at risk of Roommate Syndrome,” said Silverstein. “Roommate Syndrome is not a terrible, incurable disease, it’s simply what happens when a romantic relationship becomes passionless. Even couples who love each other deeply can begin to feel like their partnership is based on running a household together and sharing chores. Regular date nights are a fun way to remind each other that you are still romantic partners, not just two people who work well together.”
So how do we set the stage?
“The #1 most common reason couples don’t go on dates is because time passes, and they simply didn’t set it up,” said Silverstein. So be a bit of a stickler about these steps:
Pick a physical date and time, not just something vague that you could easily never get to.
Decide who’s going to take care of logistics (child-care, reservations, etc). Divide and conquer if necessary.
Don’t get too caught up trying to plan something perfect, “you’re wasting time that you could be spending just hanging out together.”
Don’t put it off.
5 Things To Try That Aren’t Just The Same-Old Dinner And A Movie
Most people just go to dinner, and it feels routine and unstimulating, and the conversation sort of dies, and we end up on our phones so much that if this were a first date, there’d never be a second. So here’s just a handful of things to try instead.
Go smell fragrances together.
This one also makes an excellent first date, which we really got into HERE. But even if you’ve been married for 63 years, doing something unexpected and sensory and sure, somewhat mundane opens the floor to banter, to flirting, and to play (as Gottman calls it, and it’s pretty huge in terms of staying happy as a couple).
Play tag.
If it’s a stretch of time where you can fit in two or more activities, take turns picking what you’ll do next without telling the other person what it is. The trick is you have to choose your activity without a single word of discussion. No questions. No feeling out the other person. Just pick and go.
You can decide to do a tag date in advance and maybe coordinate a realistic quadrant of town you’ll stick to. Otherwise, this will give you a chance to get creative, and each person gets to feel surprised and spontaneous. Plus, it saves you from two hours of saying “wherever you want to go” back and forth until every restaurant in the city is booked and you’re both so irritable and hungry you’re ready to file for divorce before your 3.5-star guacamole arrives.
Make a shared soundtrack to your week.
Forget cooking together. No one wants their partner hovering in front of the spatula drawer when they’re making a lasagna. But making a playlist? Kind of cute, no? And you can do it in the living room, after the kids are in bed, instead of zoning out in front of the TV, etc, etc. Try to sit in close proximity, set the mood with lighting, comfy seating, and use a single speaker or device to play each song, so no one is distracted by scrolling.Play songs for each other you currently or used to love, talk about why you like it, tell a story about the song if you have one, perhaps, relate it to what’s been going on with you. All of this is a way of sparking attraction and intimacy, as music also connects you to who you are as a person and not just as a spouse/ parent/ professional, etc.
Also, not to get too scientific here, but there are actual studies showing that couples who listen to music together have more sex.
Do a ridiculous 15-minute workout together and then do dinner or couch or whatever.
We're obviously dead and just want to relax at the end of the day, so lugging out an entire craft project or doing a 90-minute hike might not be the thing. But endorphins are magic and studies show couples who exercise together thrive.
Pick a silly short tiktok or youtube video - dance, acroyoga, (the weirder, more comical the better, because laughter is literal fuel for relationship satisfaction). Be dumb, look stupid, and sweat for a very short time and your liveliness/ mood/ connection will be spiked for whatever mindless, relaxing thing you do next.
Play a question game that’s basically a love potion.
Have you ever read about the 36 questions that can make two strangers fall in love? Well, asking questions can also make couples stay in love. Gottman never stops emphasizing the importance of getting to know your partner’s inner world separate from yourself. They even have card decks you can use as conversation starters. And if you want to spark something a little more … intimate… you can ask each other THESE 6 questions.
4 Conversation Starters That Will Make Your Date Night Work Hard For Your Relationship
The truth is a sparkly, impactful date night can take place anywhere and anytime if you discuss any of these 4 things:
1. Ask open-ended questions that show you want to know your partner better.
“The best way to keep conversations interesting and continue to feel close and connected is to ask open ended questions,” said Silverstein. These can be “any question that can’t be answered with ‘yes’ ‘no’ or facts and figures” and will “help you keep learning new things about each other.”
According to Silverstein, there are a couple ways to go about this.
“If you want to keep the date light and lively, ask creative fun or funny questions,” advised Silverstein.
Examples:
What are some of your favorite movies of all time and why did they stand out to you?
Where do you dream of traveling together if money and logistics weren’t a restriction?
What’s one of your favorite things we’ve done together? Would you like to try it again?
“If you have been feeling disconnected and want more emotional intimacy, I recommend asking deeper questions,” said Silverstein. “Before diving in, ask your partner if they like the idea of playing ping pong by asking each other questions.”
Examples:
What’s been stressing you out lately?
How have you been feeling about our connection?
Is there anything frightening you right now?
Do you have a favorite love language (Gary Chapman lists them as Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation)?
2. Name 5 specific things you admire and appreciate about each other.
Gottman frequently talks about the importance of being very vocal about sharing appreciation and fondness in a consistent way toward your partner. Silverstein advises picking about 5 specific things to say out loud that you admire about the other person.
Examples include:
I love how you stay light and tease me out of a bad mood.
I’m so thankful for how you wake up the kids in the morning. They open their eyes already having fun.
3. Ask about each other’s hopes and dreams.
Use open-ended questions to ask each other about any goal or fantasy, large or small each of you have. The minute one of you offers something up, the other should acknowledge its importance, ask more questions, and show support.
For example:
I love seeing you light up about the idea of writing again. Do you have any ideas you’ve been thinking about lately?
Taking a trip to where you grew up sounds amazing. Let’s talk about a real plan for how we could make that happen.
4. Share one specific thing you don’t know about each other.
This might start off sounding a bit like a forced get-to-know-you exercise on the first day of class, but really it’s just about embracing the fact that no matter how long you’ve known your partner, there is still more to learn.
Asking your partner, not to mention yourself, this question opens up all kinds of enlivening avenues you might never have thought to approach. And anything new you learn about your partner makes you feel closer, while also opening up new avenues for attraction.
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