by Theresa Holland

Yes, you read that right. You should have enough money that you could leave your partner.

I’m not saying you need to make as much or more. And I’m not saying that you should expect a break-up. But financial independence is an important thing to have, even if you have no plans to leave.

This might seem harsh. Or unromantic. Or completely antithetical to everything we’ve been taught to believe about a partnership, which is that nothing should be kept or withheld from your partner.

But hear me out.

Here’s a hard truth; 1 in 5 people have stayed in a relationship because they didn’t have enough money to leave. And unfortunately, women are seven times more likely than men to stay for financial reasons.

So putting away enough money to support yourself is an insurance policy. It’s ensuring that you have choices. It’s ensuring that you’re staying in a relationship for love and companionship and not because you feel like you have to.

And isn’t that kind of romantic?

Financial Independence Is Feminism 101

I’ll admit— I used to fantasize about marrying rich.

I dreamt of becoming a stay-at-home mom in a wealthy family; after dropping my kids off at private school, I’d head to a barre class and spend the rest of my day shopping for housewares. It sounded great.

This fantasy might have been a byproduct of watching one too many rom-coms or classic TV sitcoms, where women aspire to romance and security and nothing more. But it’s a fantasy. Stay-at-home moms bust their asses—they’re doing real work, and thinking that their days consist of just barre classes and shopping was a complete delusion.

And as I got older and began to reckon with my own notions of feminism and independence, I realized that I don’t want to be financially dependent on anyone. How can I be a modern woman— a feminist— and not aspire to financial independence? Having my own money felt like a way to shift the power balance and ensure a more equal partnership.

Because even in 2020, financial independence still affords women more choices; in fact, as women’s earnings increase relative to men’s, they’re less likely to get married. Writing for The Atlantic, Gillian B. White says that since higher earnings allow women to be less dependent on others, “the choice to marry becomes less about financial need and more about other things, like love, social norms, religion, or the desire to start a family.”

Married or not, it’s important to make enough money to leave if you had to—or support yourself if your partner unexpectedly leaves you. If things were to go south for whatever reason, could you get your own place? Could you pay your bills? Could you maintain your lifestyle? Are you hoping you never have to find out?

The truth is that the U.S. divorce rate is close to 50%, and the idea that women still get half of their partners’ assets and end up financially set for life is a myth. So financial independence is like getting life insurance. You’re not expecting the worst to happen, but you’re prepared.

But There’s Still A Huge Economic Gender Gap

The days of households surviving on a single income (usually the man’s) are long gone. Life in the 21st century isn’t cheap; women not only want to work, but most have to work.

Not surprisingly, there’s been an uptick in dual-income households over the last several decades. In 1960, fathers alone were employed in 70% of marriages with children, but by 2012, that number dropped to 31%. In 2019, both parents were employed in 64% of marriages with kids. Also, while about half of mothers were stay-at-home moms in 1967, 73% now work full-time.

But the world is still nowhere near ideal for women, and financial independence is definitely easier said than done.

We all know the stats; women earn only 82% of what men do in the U.S., and those numbers are even more bleak for women of color. Black women make 62 cents on the dollar compared to white men, Native American and Alaska Native women make 57 cents, and Latinas make 54 cents.

On top of that, the cost of childcare is insane.

Since women tend to make less than their partners in heterosexual relationships, they’re more likely to cut back on hours or leave the workforce altogether after having children. Of course, caring for children and doing emotional labor should be counted as work of equal value. And yet, these inequalities have often left women with more responsibility without the added financial benefit.

Having Choices Is Life Changing

According to the marriage attorneys at Miss Legal, financial independence “does not mean that you should not trust your finances with your partner,” and it doesn’t mean you need to separate all your money. It’s about recognizing that no matter how committed or compatible you are as a couple, there’s a chance that things won’t work out. And you should be prepared for that possibility.

Despite her desire to leave her second husband, Marianne* feels like she has to stay for financial reasons. Early on, she decided to stay home instead of sending her kids to daycare and working full-time because her husband had a good job with excellent benefits. As the relationship became toxic over the years, she was afraid of how difficult a second divorce would be on her children. Now that her kids are older, she feels like she doesn’t have the financial capacity to leave.

“Our finances are just so jumbled, and all of my inheritance is tied up in our property. I don’t want to start divorce stuff because I need to take care of my mom, and part of the property is hers, and I know he would be downright evil and mean,” she says. “I’m exhausted—just trying to exist and make the best of things, even though I feel like I’m dying inside.”

Gaining financial independence allows some women to finally realize that they do want to leave.

After marrying her husband, Tesia was initially fine with being financially dependent on him. But when she got a job that paid slightly more than what he was making, her perspective shifted.

She writes, “After a couple of months of making decent money for the first time ever, I had a sudden realization: with my new income, I could get a place of my own and not have to deal with my husband ever again. I tried not to think much about it because the thought alone sounded like a betrayal, but that thought was also sweet. It sounded like freedom, because even then, barely two years into my marriage, I wasn’t happy.”

For some women, becoming financially independent actually takes pressure off of their partners, strengthening their marriage. Megan uprooted her life and moved 4,000 miles to be with her husband. At first, her career options were limited, and she couldn’t support herself with the money she was making. But three years later, she finally earned enough to support herself no matter what happened.

“While the relationship was never bad during those years, I had a lot of insecurity about how much money I made and celebrated getting to a level where I wouldn’t have to rely on him anymore. We’ve been happily married for six years now,” she says.

Others decide they want to leave and realize it won’t be easy. Keri* was financially dependent on a man in a toxic relationship and had to come up with an exit strategy. Slowly and secretly, she saved up enough money to move out and get away, which meant being able to afford a New York City apartment.

It’s Not Unromantic, Actually

The idea of putting away enough money to leave your partner— like, new apartment kind of money— might seem antithetical to everything we’ve been taught about healthy, honest partnerships and togetherness.

Plenty of women would feel betrayed if they found out their partners had been secretly saving tons of money because it feels like the other person is already planning to leave.

But while financial independence might feel harsh and clinical, it’s actually incredibly romantic. Because staying in a relationship for financial reasons is not romantic. It’s not healthy— for either partner.

Financial independence is the ultimate signal that both partners are staying for the right reasons. For love and companionship. Knowing that you could leave, but choosing not to, means that you are actively choosing your partner, everyday, as the person with whom you are navigating all of life’s challenges because you love them and care for them and respect them. Nothing is forcing you to stay.

So both parties should find solace in a relationship that’s sustained because it’s a loving partnership, not because one of you is financially dependent on the other.

Saving Money Isn’t Impossible

Putting away enough money to achieve financial independence isn’t easy. And it takes time. But it’s possible, it just requires some financial savvy. Here are a few tips to get you started:

Start with a money-saving app: Money saving apps like Acorn, Albert, Digit, and Qapital are all easy ways to manage your finances and start saving money.
Hone your money management skills: Being “good” with money is a skill, and like any skill, you can learn it. If your partner usually deals with the finances, get involved and take on some of this financial work yourself, which will help you become better at managing money and help you learn more about your collective financial situation.
Keep track of expenses: Keeping track of your expenses is like using weight loss apps to track every calorie and macro; it can be tedious, but eventually, it becomes habit. Keeping track of your expenses also gives you a helpful overall picture of where you might be spending too much, and where you might be able to cut back. Obviously, we’re not telling you to stop drinking Starbucks or getting manicures (some salons are open again!)— we’re not going to deprive ourselves of the blessed few little indulgences that make us feel human. But when expenditures are individual, they don’t seem like all that much, so it can feel shocking seeing them all at once. By keeping track, you’ll be better able to really see if that’s where you want your money going.
Wait before buying: Before you buy new clothes or decor for the house, just wait a day or two. If it still haunts you a few days later, you’ll know you actually want it. Once you start practicing patience, you’ll start to notice how many expenditures were just spur-of-the-moment purchases stemming from boredom or effective Instagram marketing.
Consider a CD or Money Market Account: Putting your money in the right type of savings account is something you can do immediately to save money. Also, the money in these accounts isn’t easily available to you, which means you won’t regularly dip into it when you want some extra spending money.

Of course, agreeing with your partner to each separately put away this much money might not be easy, so we’ve compiled some helpful tips for having a money conversation without it turning into a massive fight, which you can find here.

Preparing for your financial future is worthwhile. You might not be able to achieve financial independence tomorrow or even five years from now. But having a plan isn’t just smart— it’s empowering.

*Names have been changed.

Unpopular Opinion: You Should Have Enough Money To Leave Your Partner