The Real Questions You Need To Ask Each Other Before You Get Married
by Katie Pace
There comes a point in many relationships where you look at your partner and think “Is this the one? Is this the snoring idiot I want to lie next to in bed for the rest of my life?” Sometimes that snoring, or even breathing, can be a deal breaker. But sometimes – SOMETIMES, we decide that we’re willing to make peace with those annoying habits because the rest of that human is so good that it makes the snoring bearable.
And after we check that first question off our list, we start making sure we have all the others answered – the ones the experts advise us to ask our partners before you take the plunge. From simple queries like “Do you want children?” to more complex subjects like “What are your views on faith and religion?”
Though these may seem like the standard set of compatibility questions, these are actually just the basics. Things you could even ask a good friend. But for a Real Life Marriage— one that you plan on being in for the rest of your life— there’s so much more ground to cover. Here are some surprising questions that you must ask your partner before you get married.
1. How Will You Care For Children?
When it comes to kids, sure – find out who wants ‘em and how many. But then let’s dig deep into that dark hole that parenthood can become. He wants to be a dad? Super. But what happens when his golden child is born with a genetic mutation that causes a disability? Or if that kid is autistic? Or becomes a teenager that has a drug problem? (And don’t say that it won’t happen to you because that’s not allowed in the “Real Life, What If Game.”) Parenthood isn’t a pretty paper package with perfect babies inside. It’s an evolution of the self and of a partnership to find out what you’re really made of – and how you’re willing to change, sacrifice, and grow.
Now maybe I move quickly, but I’m pretty sure the kid question could be thrown out there by date number three. So, on date number three (ok fine, five): go ahead and talk about kids. (Hypothetically of course – let’s not seem desperate.) But later on down the road, talk about different scenarios, not just the list of baby names on your Notes app (though if he doesn’t agree to Clover, he’s out.)
How will you each prioritize and deal with the various potential outcomes with kids, when you barely have time to care for yourself? And on top of that – how will you care for each other?
2. How Should We Handle Money?
Next up? Finances. You want your partner to have financial goals? Save for retirement? Fannnnntastic. I hope it all works out and you’re traveling Europe together by 60. But considering this is one of the leading causes of most divorces, my guess is you might end up taking a trip to Struggle Town together instead— that is, financial Struggle Town. At least at some point. The mayor of Struggle Town is Debt, so bring that up to your person and see what comes out of it. Not just “how do you handle debt?” but more like something along the lines of “how would we pay off $75,000 in medical bills?” or “what will we do if someone loses their job and is unemployed for six months?” or the really basic question of “wow many credit cards should we have combined and what are they to be used for?”
When answering these Real-Life Riddles, get verrrryy honest and then figure out how you’re going to meet in the middle. If you’re used to shopping for clothes with a credit card, and the other person is only using it for emergencies, there is going to be an automatic red alert come the first month of wedded bliss. And you think everything is going to be fine because you’ve decided to save for a sudden job loss, but what you didn’t prepare for is your spouse sitting around the house all day, sinking into a hole of depression. The emotional baggage that comes with financial distress is not a partner picnic. Figure out how you’re going to work together as a couple to manage it – before the get-off-the-couch convos start.
3. What Happens If We Just…Stop…Having Sex?
Now let’s move into the bedroom for the next quiz. Sex is the subject. It’s great to have good sexual communication. Unless, of course, you’re not having any because you’re just really fucking tired all the time. Or maybe because you just don’t like each other anymore (spoiler alert – at some point you probably won’t like each other.) Or perhaps because something traumatic has happened that one of you just can’t get over. Sex is forever changing in relationships. And sometimes it just all together stops and any fantasies you’d communicated over time become fantasies of just having sex at all.
So, do you know how important intimacy is to your partner? And what would you do if it hadn’t happened in…let’s say…a year? Is it a deal breaker, er – break-up? And what is the plan for when one of you has a thing for someone at work? Notice I said “when,” not “if.” Because at some point, someone’s eyes are likely to wander. They may not be cheating, but there’s a chance there will be attraction to someone outside your marriage. Are you going to confront it head on with your spouse to keep things open and honest? Or keep it to yourselves because there’s no point in hurting anyone else? Better decide these things BEFORE you walk down the aisle, so someone doesn’t walk right back out.
4. How Do We Handle The In-Laws?
And what’s behind door number four? Oh look, it’s your in-laws! Yep. You’re marrying them, too. I hope they’re as incredible as your mate. Please note: They may not be.
But because they are an integral part of the family dynamic, have a heart-to-heart (with your companion, not them) about how involved they get to be in your lives. What are the boundary lines and who is drawing them? And what is the plan as they age? Who is taking care of them physically and financially and how will it work? You can love your in-laws for raising your person. You can love your person for how they treat your in-laws. Your in-laws can love your kids despite how you feel about your in-laws. And you can also despise all of this and it can make everything terrible.
But pose these tricky questions with care and tact and remember that one big happy family is more than just an ideal – it’s WORK.
5. Play The “What If” and “Would You Rather” Games
Marriage is the real deal. No, you don’t have to officially have the tax break to fall into this category of super-long-term-aiming-at-forever-partners. But if you think you’re even going to get to the hap in happily ever after, you better start thinking about the questions that you’ll be facing when staring at the person lying next to you, belly up with their mouth hanging open sawing logs at 3 am. So, what are the issues that are most important to you? List a bunch of questions that stem off of each of those subjects and then play the “What If” game and “Would You Rather” game on date night. Plunge into uncharted waters, no matter how murky they get. You may discover things you love even more about your partner. And things you didn’t know about yourself.
I am not a marriage expert. I have no degree or certification in anything relationship related. I’m just married. And therefore, I’m skilled in knowing that the ring on your finger is the most layered piece of jewelry you’ll ever own. It’s messy and complicated and sometimes dark and unexpected. But it also can be pretty beautiful. We all already know it’s not an easy road. But there are discussions you can have to make it more leisurely to navigate. So, when diving into this game of truth, go big or go home. Is it uncomfortable? Good. It should be. Is it getting you riled up and ragey at each other? Great. You can have the hard discussion AND work on fighting fair – both essential to spousal success. Is it making you question being with this person for the rest of your life because in addition to these life choices you will ALSO have to sleep with their snoring? Yes. That is the point of the exercise. If the two of you pass all the tests – congratulations! Now keep going. The questions should never end and ideally create even more.
But of course, there is no way to prepare for everything. Life, and marriage, send you storms, and sometimes avalanches, that you never could have predicted. So, do you want to weather them together? After all the questioning you’ve done, if the one thing you aren’t questioning is your person, then you have your answer.
Katie Pace is an LA based ex-ad creative who is now a writer by day and everything-elser by night. You can find more of her articles here.
